Up From The Abyss

Two years ago at Thanksgiving I felt myself going down into a depression that was very deep by Christmas. The last two years have been spent more or less processing grief that was not felt at the time of my father's death (taking time out for births and weddings of course). There are still bits and pieces to get done, but over all I can truly say, I am coming up out of the abyss. There are so many stories to tell, and possibly they will get told later, but for now I want to say "Thank you" to those of you who have helped me through this.

First, my daughter, who called almost EVERY day, always holding my lifeline in her very capable hands. I couldn't have asked for a better person to maintain my contact with the real world. Thank you, Darling, I appreciate you more than I can say.

AND my best friend Jane, who helped me get to the things I had buried so deep that I needed help to do the digging. I couldn't have done it without you. You are my rock. You are the best, and I am grateful to have you in my life.

And my whole family who have been going through this with me, like it or not. Thanks for the love and patience. It is appreciated.

Say What???

I pray and I hear "begin the writing". . . I cry and I hear "begin the writing". Why am I so resistant to this process? Why am I so afraid? Maybe 51 years of denial is hard to turn around? As I said earlier, change is coming "I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord". :)

Emotional Thermostat

Just Musing about in my mind the other day and I got to thinking about who controls my moods. Is it me? It seems for a good part of my life it wasn't. I might be in a perfectly fine mood, having a good day and then someone who is having a melt down shows up and my day is ruined. ??? Surely no one else does this. Right?

Or how deeply am I affected by the general outlook, such as "there's a recession coming and its going to be BAD" or "Things are terrible and the only hope you have is to elect our party to office, we will save you from the horrible mess we are in now" or the news paper, which I firmly believe should be called the "bad news paper" because that's all they are interested in printing, "if it bleeds it leads". Interviewing people who have just lost a son or daughter to some horrific fate and asking "how do you feel?" Are you kidding me? Or the comprehensive coverage of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. . . give me a break, this is news? I don't really think so, but my question is how much does it affect my mood? Does it frighten me, make me feel confused, hopeless, or just disinterested?

Or the people in my living space. How does their mood affect my own? There is an old idea that women who live in close quarters cycles sync up, if this is true we must be affecting each other all the time. I live and love a man who has a lot of anger issues. How does that affect me?

I was mulling over all these things when I was turning down the thermostat for the night and after I went to bed I realized that my moods must have a thermostat too, but who has been setting the controls? When I react to someone else's mood by changing my own they are setting my mood, but when I simply see their mood for what it is and who's it is, my mood stays the same (I'm setting my emotional thermostat). I know this is probably very elementary and I maybe should have gotten it 50 years ago, but the point is I DIDN'T. I'm getting it now and I'm just so grateful. So every day now I set the intention of remembering. . . I control my emotional thermostat. When I am down it is because I have chosen to be down for a reason (like maybe to deal with old tramas,etc.) and that is perfectly fine. And when I am up it is because I have chosen to be up, no matter what kind of energy field might surround me. Guess it all comes down to personal responsibility, doesn't it?

January???????????

I lost most of January!!!! Tiff and the boys came on New Years Eve for 2 weeks. Jim and Lauren got sick JAN 1.... We spent the next 12 days trying to prevent anyone else from catching it, especially Tiff and the boys. Washed hands till they were raw, sprayed everything with lysol, etc. etc. Made it for 12 days and then Jimmy started in with symptoms. Mostly it was an awful head cold and cough. Jimmy said "I got the coughs". Then he woke up with that barky cough that can only mean the croup. Got him to a dr. and got medicine and a shot. Had to keep him confined to our bedroom so we could effectively run the vaporiser. After the first day he was a real champ, and stopped complaining. Tiff and I took turns with Jimmy and Jim and Tiff took turns with Kellen, as we hoped Jim was no longer contagious and wouldn't infect the baby. Anyway the up shot was the Dr. said no traveling for another week. So they were here 3 weeks after which we were sending her home with a recovering 2 year old, 2 month old baby and Mom coming down with said cold. They made it fine anyway, and she didn't get as sick as the rest of us. As for us we still sound a little like a TB ward with coughs coming from one room or another. I have only begun to feel like a human being again this week. Now we are trying to get the house back in some kind of order, after no cleaning for practically a month. Things are looking up though, and my sister is coming next week to celebrate our birthdays together. Looking forward to having some fun with her.

Have a couple of things I want to post about and will soon, I promise.

Update

Okay, been gone awhile. Spent 6 weeks or so in Virginia, where Kellen Michael made his appearance on his due date of Nov. 7. He's nothing if not prompt. He also came in very quickly, so we had one of those very tense rides to the hospital that I thought only happened in the movies. He's beautiful, of course, and growing like a weed. Jimmy was a little sad because Kellen "wasn't big" meaning he can't really do much, and I think Kellen is doing his best to "get big" as fast as he can. He's over 13 pounds now, and cooing and smiling!!! Jimmy is a terrific big brother, holds Kellen's hand, or pats his back, calls him Kellen honey to comfort him, and is showing Kellen his toys "we are playing". So Cute!!!!


Thank God for Danielle, Travis and Jim. Danielle got the tree decorated and Travis got the outside lights up. Jim finished off the decorating with stockings and the outside tree and lights on the deck.

Christmas was another "dumb Christmas". Just couldn't get in the swing of it again this year. I'm really tired of these. Will I ever have another Christmas with all the good feeling, excitement, "I love this holiday" feeling again? I am beginning to wonder. Maybe next year.

HOWEVER, on an up note, Travis suprised me with a new washer and dryer for Christmas!They are the new front loaders and VERY NICE. I am learning new laundy rules.

And speaking of the new year, Tiff and the boys are coming for 2 whole weeks. We are so excited, can hardly wait!!!!!!!!

And on a completely unrelated topic, change is coming. . . I can feel it in my bones. Not sure about the details yet but I just know it is coming. The work I have been doing for over a year now was put on hold while I was in Virginia, I didn't want to bring the energies of grief and guilt to a new baby's arrival, so I consciously put it on the shelf, but now I am getting back to the process and I can just feel a change coming. :) (hold a good thought)

Just Ponderin

In relationships of everykind, the person with the lowest need for intimacy sets the level of intimacy and the person with the highest need for secrecy sets the level of openness. HMMMMMM!!!! Wish I had understood this sooner.

Why Can't I Get This?

That's suppose to be the title of the last post. Small typing error :) As if to illustrate my fallibility, sometimes ya just gotta laugh!

Why Can'

I KNOW THIS: When I am judging you and finding fault with you, what I am really doing is critizing you for not being me. . .not thinging like me, not acting like me, not feeling like me, not BEING me!!!!!!!! Stupid isn't it? And yet most of us do it. I know that your journey is not mine. Only I have my journey and only you have your journey. They are not suppose to be the same. How dull would the world be with everyone having the same journey, thinking and acting the same way. AND YET, I can't seem to live from this space. My mind goes to judgement so quickly and makes such stupid perceptions that I am astounded at my own stupidity. I know even being aware of my stupidity is a step in the right direction, but WHEN am I going to get it? How long is this going to take? Come on Linda, get with it!!! I am getting tired of me.