WhatthebleepdoIknow?

Excuses

2010-01-27T09:05:00.001-06:00

The problem with making excuses is that they cloud your clarity. Clarity comes when we are brave enough to ask hard questions of ourselves and answer them honestly.

ingrate

2010-01-23T22:15:00.002-06:00

I have been such an ingrate for most of my life. I was given a body that functioned on all levels and served me well my entire life and for as long as I can remember I have been unhappy about some aspect of that body. Too thin, too fat, too short, bad hair, ugly legs. You get the drift. Then this past few months I began to look at how ungrateful I have been. Given such a gift and I could do nothing but carp about the wrapping. How shallow is that??

Well, today I am truly grateful for this body I was given to wear for this journey. It is now and always has been the perfect fit. :)

Up From The Abyss

2008-12-02T15:55:00.002-06:00

Two years ago at Thanksgiving I felt myself going down into a depression that was very deep by Christmas. The last two years have been spent more or less processing grief that was not felt at the time of my father's death (taking time out for births and weddings of course). There are still bits and pieces to get done, but over all I can truly say, I am coming up out of the abyss. There are so many stories to tell, and possibly they will get told later, but for now I want to say "Thank you" to those of you who have helped me through this.

First, my daughter, who called almost EVERY day, always holding my lifeline in her very capable hands. I couldn't have asked for a better person to maintain my contact with the real world. Thank you, Darling, I appreciate you more than I can say.

AND my best friend Jane, who helped me get to the things I had buried so deep that I needed help to do the digging. I couldn't have done it without you. You are my rock. You are the best, and I am grateful to have you in my life.

And my whole family who have been going through this with me, like it or not. Thanks for the love and patience. It is appreciated.

Say What???

2008-03-16T09:25:00.002-05:00

I pray and I hear "begin the writing". . . I cry and I hear "begin the writing". Why am I so resistant to this process? Why am I so afraid? Maybe 51 years of denial is hard to turn around? As I said earlier, change is coming "I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord". :)

Emotional Thermostat

2008-02-10T10:40:00.000-06:00

Just Musing about in my mind the other day and I got to thinking about who controls my moods. Is it me? It seems for a good part of my life it wasn't. I might be in a perfectly fine mood, having a good day and then someone who is having a melt down shows up and my day is ruined. ??? Surely no one else does this. Right?

Or how deeply am I affected by the general outlook, such as "there's a recession coming and its going to be BAD" or "Things are terrible and the only hope you have is to elect our party to office, we will save you from the horrible mess we are in now" or the news paper, which I firmly believe should be called the "bad news paper" because that's all they are interested in printing, "if it bleeds it leads". Interviewing people who have just lost a son or daughter to some horrific fate and asking "how do you feel?" Are you kidding me? Or the comprehensive coverage of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. . . give me a break, this is news? I don't really think so, but my question is how much does it affect my mood? Does it frighten me, make me feel confused, hopeless, or just disinterested?

Or the people in my living space. How does their mood affect my own? There is an old idea that women who live in close quarters cycles sync up, if this is true we must be affecting each other all the time. I live and love a man who has a lot of anger issues. How does that affect me?

I was mulling over all these things when I was turning down the thermostat for the night and after I went to bed I realized that my moods must have a thermostat too, but who has been setting the controls? When I react to someone else's mood by changing my own they are setting my mood, but when I simply see their mood for what it is and who's it is, my mood stays the same (I'm setting my emotional thermostat). I know this is probably very elementary and I maybe should have gotten it 50 years ago, but the point is I DIDN'T. I'm getting it now and I'm just so grateful. So every day now I set the intention of remembering. . . I control my emotional thermostat. When I am down it is because I have chosen to be down for a reason (like maybe to deal with old tramas,etc.) and that is perfectly fine. And when I am up it is because I have chosen to be up, no matter what kind of energy field might surround me. Guess it all comes down to personal responsibility, doesn't it?

January???????????

2008-02-04T16:52:00.000-06:00

I lost most of January!!!! Tiff and the boys came on New Years Eve for 2 weeks. Jim and Lauren got sick JAN 1.... We spent the next 12 days trying to prevent anyone else from catching it, especially Tiff and the boys. Washed hands till they were raw, sprayed everything with lysol, etc. etc. Made it for 12 days and then Jimmy started in with symptoms. Mostly it was an awful head cold and cough. Jimmy said "I got the coughs". Then he woke up with that barky cough that can only mean the croup. Got him to a dr. and got medicine and a shot. Had to keep him confined to our bedroom so we could effectively run the vaporiser. After the first day he was a real champ, and stopped complaining. Tiff and I took turns with Jimmy and Jim and Tiff took turns with Kellen, as we hoped Jim was no longer contagious and wouldn't infect the baby. Anyway the up shot was the Dr. said no traveling for another week. So they were here 3 weeks after which we were sending her home with a recovering 2 year old, 2 month old baby and Mom coming down with said cold. They made it fine anyway, and she didn't get as sick as the rest of us. As for us we still sound a little like a TB ward with coughs coming from one room or another. I have only begun to feel like a human being again this week. Now we are trying to get the house back in some kind of order, after no cleaning for practically a month. Things are looking up though, and my sister is coming next week to celebrate our birthdays together. Looking forward to having some fun with her.

Have a couple of things I want to post about and will soon, I promise.

Update

2007-12-29T09:13:00.000-06:00

Okay, been gone awhile. Spent 6 weeks or so in Virginia, where Kellen Michael made his appearance on his due date of Nov. 7. He's nothing if not prompt. He also came in very quickly, so we had one of those very tense rides to the hospital that I thought only happened in the movies. He's beautiful, of course, and growing like a weed. Jimmy was a little sad because Kellen "wasn't big" meaning he can't really do much, and I think Kellen is doing his best to "get big" as fast as he can. He's over 13 pounds now, and cooing and smiling!!! Jimmy is a terrific big brother, holds Kellen's hand, or pats his back, calls him Kellen honey to comfort him, and is showing Kellen his toys "we are playing". So Cute!!!!

Thank God for Danielle, Travis and Jim. Danielle got the tree decorated and Travis got the outside lights up. Jim finished off the decorating with stockings and the outside tree and lights on the deck.

Christmas was another "dumb Christmas". Just couldn't get in the swing of it again this year. I'm really tired of these. Will I ever have another Christmas with all the good feeling, excitement, "I love this holiday" feeling again? I am beginning to wonder. Maybe next year.

HOWEVER, on an up note, Travis suprised me with a new washer and dryer for Christmas!They are the new front loaders and VERY NICE. I am learning new laundy rules.

And speaking of the new year, Tiff and the boys are coming for 2 whole weeks. We are so excited, can hardly wait!!!!!!!!

And on a completely unrelated topic, change is coming. . . I can feel it in my bones. Not sure about the details yet but I just know it is coming. The work I have been doing for over a year now was put on hold while I was in Virginia, I didn't want to bring the energies of grief and guilt to a new baby's arrival, so I consciously put it on the shelf, but now I am getting back to the process and I can just feel a change coming. :) (hold a good thought)

Just Ponderin

2007-11-20T08:09:00.000-06:00

In relationships of everykind, the person with the lowest need for intimacy sets the level of intimacy and the person with the highest need for secrecy sets the level of openness. HMMMMMM!!!! Wish I had understood this sooner.

Why Can't I Get This?

2007-11-06T08:34:00.001-06:00

That's suppose to be the title of the last post. Small typing error :) As if to illustrate my fallibility, sometimes ya just gotta laugh!

Why Can'

2007-11-06T08:13:00.000-06:00

I KNOW THIS: When I am judging you and finding fault with you, what I am really doing is critizing you for not being me. . .not thinging like me, not acting like me, not feeling like me, not BEING me!!!!!!!! Stupid isn't it? And yet most of us do it. I know that your journey is not mine. Only I have my journey and only you have your journey. They are not suppose to be the same. How dull would the world be with everyone having the same journey, thinking and acting the same way. AND YET, I can't seem to live from this space. My mind goes to judgement so quickly and makes such stupid perceptions that I am astounded at my own stupidity. I know even being aware of my stupidity is a step in the right direction, but WHEN am I going to get it? How long is this going to take? Come on Linda, get with it!!! I am getting tired of me.

Sharing Is Important

2007-10-25T17:22:00.001-05:00

October 30, 2007

This was on the Daily Om a while back:

September 25, 2007
Sharing Grief
Opening To Receive Comfort
When we experience something that causes us to feel shock and sadness, we may feel the urge to withdraw from life. It may seem like remaining withdrawn will keep us protected from the world, but during these times it is important to reach out to those trusted and precious people who care about us the most. Even with our best information and reasoning, we never know when someone else’s experience or perspective can give us additional information that we need. The universe speaks to us through many channels, and when we open ourselves up to receive its messages, we also receive nurturing care from a loving partner in life’s journey.

Grief is part of the human experience, and sharing our vulnerability is what creates truly close bonds in our relationships. Opening ourselves up in this way gets to the core of our being, past all of our defenses and prejudices. When life seems to crack the outer shell of our world, we are both raw and fresh at the same time. It is then that we discover who is truly willing to walk with us through life. We also see that some of those sent to us may not be the ones we expected to see. Regardless, we learn to trust in the universe, in others, in our own strength and resilience, and in the wisdom of life itself.

Sharing grief allows us to ease our burden by letting someone else help carry it. This helps us process our own inner thoughts and feelings through the filter of a trusted and beloved someone. We may feel guilty or selfish, as if we are unloading on someone who has their own challenges. Although, if we think about it, we know we would do the same for them, and their protests would seem pointless. Remember that not sharing feelings with others denies them the opportunity to feel. We may be the messenger sent by the universe for their benefit, and it is on this mission that we have been sent. By sharing our hopes and fears, joys and pains with another person, we accept the universe’s gifts of wisdom and loving care.

And it occurs to me that I was not allowed the benefit of sharing my grief. I don't think my siblings were able to share their grief either, but of course I don't know for sure. The stigma of suicide was much greater in 1956, and I can't possibly imagine what my Mother went through. Is this denied grief the reason I am processing this after 51 years? I think so. I'm still amazed over this whole thing, that I was able to live in such complete denial for so long, that my body demanded that I begin the process, that the emotion is so very intense (like no time has passed at all). I am just astounded by this whole thing. And last, but not least, maybe the sharing thing is why I need to post this on my blog. We never know how we might impact someone else's journey, but I know the sharing thing is important.

Walking Wounded

2007-10-15T10:01:00.000-05:00

My Father killed himself in 1956, but he wounded all of us. My Mother, siblings and I were the "walking wounded", moving through our days like shell shocked soldiers. We unconsciously passed on some of our wounds to our children. We look normal enough because our wounds don't show, but my brother's inability to talk about it means his wounds are still not healed. I suppose I am trying to heal my wounds. That's what this is all about. I believe that if I can heal myself, that I will shift the energy to a positive. I think that is why my Father came back to me as my son Chris, to help with this shift. Or it could be just to help me deal with my grief and guilt. Hold me in your thoughts and prayers, please.

Lancing Boils (Part two)

2007-08-22T11:32:00.000-05:00

October 14, 2007
I think most of the people who read this blog know me, and I thank you for your patience, kindness and support. You can see by the dates how long I have been working on this post. I'm sure you know this is not an easy door to crack open or go through. I know this has been a long time in coming and I know it's not well written or edited. It's the best I can do at present and I'm not even sure why it has to be done, I just know it does. So please bear with the errors, the stream of consciousness writing etc. So that said. . .here's the rest of the story.

So September came around and I started 2nd grade. Miss Woods was my teacher and she terrified me. She was a large, powerfully built woman and she yelled alot. I don't think she really yelled at me as I think I was her favorite girl, but when she yelled at the other kids it seemed to hurt me too. Several of the boys in the class developed crushes on me (believe me when I say I can't imagine why)and I had no idea how to deal with it. They would try to gather around me at recess and after school and I would run, so of course they would give chase. I know I was really scared sometimes and annoyed at other times, but I couldn't understand why no adults stopped it. So there I was running like a hare from the hounds during recess and lunch and cringing in my seat during class. Not much fun!! I remember walking to school and my stomach hurting so bad I would start crying and go back home where I would have a sudden recovery. The other thing I remember was math races. Two people would go to the blackboard and Miss Woods would give us a math problem to solve, the first one to get the right answer won. Joe Bob and I were the fastest in the class and I'm sure I actually won occasionally, but my memory was that he always won, most of the time by a fraction of a second.

SO. . . Lessons I took from second grade were something like this, "I'm good, but never the best" "No one is going to protect me, ergo, I had better watch out for myself"

Anyway, life became "normal" and I continued to grow and learn. I had enough, clothes, friends, love, stability, family to keep me on a pretty middle of the road journey. I wasn't the best, smartest or prettiest, but I was "good enough". There really wasn't anything to complain about much. I was pretty careful, with a few exceptions, to not get myself into any situations that I couldn't handle, as I still believed I had to look out for myself. I lacked a layer of protection that my other friends seemed to have.

I grew into a young woman and married a good man Jim (as an aside, there are a lot of Jims and Bills in my family). We had a family of our own. Moved around a few times with his career. Usual ups and downs of life. I was always curious about people and how they thought and what made them choose the actions they would take. Trying to see the world through their eyes. (I'm trying to summarize here to get to the "rest of the story".)

I had a son Brian, daughter Tiff, son Chris and son Travis. Life was full and busy. As the kids grew up I noticed that Chris was compared to my father by family members. There were many incidents that I could relate here but they would just make a long story longer. The up shot is that Chris is my father reincarnated!!! Remember that, it's important later. If ya got questions about that story I'll address it in another post.

Okay, moving on quickly, my children are grown and I become an Oma to Jimmy (see what I mean, another Jim) who lives in Virginia. My emotional pain around this was puzzling. I couldn't be the Oma I wanted to be with him so far away. I made every effort to see him every couple of months but it was never enough and just left me sadder. I knew that if it was what I really wanted, I could move there, but I was unwilling to do that. Hmmmm. I was puzzled. It all came to a turning point this January. My body was so wracked by physical pain that I began getting massages to help me stay mobile. I knew I had been going downhill emotionally since November and hit bottom the first of January. I had been close to tears many times a day and really not well. I asked Claudia about grief massage and she knew exactly what I was talking about and began to work on that level. There were often tears of emotion during the massages. We were moving the boil closer to the surface.

In February, Jim sent me to Dallas to visit my best friend Jane. We do amazing work together and he knew I needed to see her. I told her the whole story, one of the few times I had really told the whole thing. Very difficult but very helpful also.

Then in May Jim's brother called to say his roof was leaking and the ceiling was falling down in the sunroom????? Okay, this means a quick trip to AZ to deal with the problem. Jim is buying tickets to AZ and asks me if I'm going too. I hesitate, not sure if I could get more emotional work done home alone or if going to the grave site (which is in AZ) would be best when he says "I think you should go". So I say alright buy me a ticket. Then Jim gets kidney stones which put him in the hospital for a few days and immediately he says "if I can't go to AZ I need you to go for me". Chris (who lives in Cal) is between jobs and Jim has asked him to come to AZ and help with the house. So the outcome is this, Chris (my reincarnated father) and I will be in AZ at the grave sites on the 51st anniversary of my father's death. AND IT WILL BE FATHER'S DAY AGAIN.

The universe will move whatever it needs to to assist you when you are ready to do the work. I needed to tell Chris my memories of that day and when I finished he asked me if I felt guilty because I went to the store instead of staying home. I answered him as I always have "No, I don't think I felt guilty, I don't think I felt I had enough power to influence adult decisions. I think I took the lesson that even small decisions could have huge consequences, but I don't think I felt guilty".

We put flowers on the graves and touched the stones and I read a few words I had written about shifting energy. That was all, no thunderbolts, no great difference. Later in the week I did bring up the subject with my sister for the first time ever. We didn't really go into great detail, but at least the subject was opened.

Return home and the days go by, still processing, still weepy, when one day while driving I get this thought in a very small voice "I didn't stay home and save my Daddy"!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was like a gut punch. I do carry guilt after all!! Oh C--p, is there anything else we can add into this boil?

So the next couple of months I try and let the guilt come up. I try and talk to the 7 year old girl I was and reassure her that it was not her fault and she really could not have "saved" her Daddy. It's not easy and is very slow going. Even the adult Linda can't quite be totally sure that is the whole truth. I flit from emotion to logic like a ping pong ball. September comes again and Jim and I are going to Arizona again. We spend the whole month, Jim working on John's house and I stay at the ranch alot. This means lots of alone time in the quietest place you can imagine. I very carefully avoid writing anything and do very little processing. A few tears each day while listening to music was about it. Then on the last Friday before we leave I go into town alone with the intention of putting flowers on the graves. On the way into town I drive past the house I grew up in, and they are having a huge yard sale!!!! (the universe at work again) I drove around the block and stopped at the edge of the property, not sure if I wanted to go in or not. I had driven by the house earlier in the month and was surprised by how much is still the same. Same shingles, same trim, same fence my father built, same porch, same front door. (When I had dreams about this house it was always about the doors. Either the front door or the back door wouldn't close or lock properly and I couldn't make the door close and lock so I would be safe through the night) Anyway, I finally went in the yard and there was a woman sitting on the porch. She began talking to me about the sale and I said I wasn't buying anything but that I had grown up in this house. She immediately said I could come inside, but that things were a real mess. So I went into my old house, the house we moved to when I was maybe 4 and lived in until I got married. Over all impression is that it is just so much smaller than I remembered it. I was suprised how much is still the same. No major renovations have been done and even a couple of the cabinets my mother put up in the kitchen are still there. I observed myself go into automatic and remove myself from any emotions I might have been having at the moment. The lady kept talking the entire time and I had a hard time between her words and my thoughts.

She said she, her sister and her brother were moving into this house in order to help each other heal from their childhood of physical abuse and incest. They had grown up in the next block so they were moving back into the neighborhood they grew up in. She said her sister had tried to commit suicide just recently and her brother said if she had succeeded he would have followed her. She seemed like the older sister and she said she had raised her son and not passed this awful legacy onto the next generation and she seemed to be helping her siblings. She asked about my memories and I told her about my father, I cried a little and we hugged each other. Not sure why this is important here, I was just blown away by the coincidences.

I told everyone at dinner that night that I had gone into the house and the things I had observed, how much was the same. I didn't tell them about the lady's story though. Later in the weekend I tried asking my brother about the day our Father died and he clearly didn't want to talk about it. His whole body sort of crumpled into a kind of protective posture, so I dropped the subject. He is 70 years old and can not break the silence after 51 years. That's how much this awful act has impacted us all. I don't even like to think about how much of my life, my perceptions of the world and how I have interacted with others have roots in 1956.

I'm tired now. Jim and I are going to Virginia to welcome Tiff and Shaun's new baby into the family and I think I will take a break from this process for awhile. I don't want to bring this energy to this joyful event. I'm ready for some Jimmy energy and new baby energy for change. I don't know how much more work I have to do, but I would guess there is a lot. But for now it has begun. It's been almost a year and sometimes I get weary and think that's a long time, then I remember that I held it down for 51 years and it doesn't seem so long. I hope when this is done I will feel lighter.

Whoops!!

2007-08-18T23:28:00.000-05:00

As you will see by the post below, I forgot to change the date of the post I was editing so it appears out of order. However, the soreness at the base of my throat is gone.

Better

2007-08-16T23:29:00.000-05:00

I have actually begun the writing. It is hard. I spent the entire day avoiding doing it. I finally got started after 10 tonight. It will be alright.

Sick and Tired

2007-08-15T23:49:00.000-05:00

I am really sick and tired of me and my s---. Sick of the zoning out on the computer or the TV. Sick, sick, sick of it. So I am going to start doing something. Gotta get this stuff done. I'm just too tired of the rut I'm in. Gonna face the dragon. Gonna write it down. Maybe post, not sure yet, we'll see.

Anyway, that's all for tonight. Gotta get some rest.

Lancing Boils (part one)

2007-08-12T11:28:00.000-05:00

Okay, we are going into rough water here so be fore warned, this one is not light.

June 17, 1956 Father's Day

I am 7 years old. BE (brother) is 19, JD (brother) is 15 and CA (sister) is 14. We live with our mother and father. Daddy has been feeling sick lately. BE has gone to the mountains with friends. Mama reads an ad in the paper that a local supermarket has cold watermelons on sale. We decide to go get one. JD is going to drive, but only has a learners permit so Mama has to go with him. CA says she will go in and get the melon cause Mama doesn't want to go in. Mama tells me to stay home with Daddy, but I want to go with them. Daddy says "oh let her go". I feel happy. Daddy lets me have my way alot. I am a Daddy's girl. So we go to the store and get the melon and come back home. Daddy is in the bathroom, so we go into the kitchen and cut the melon and start eating. Mama calls to Daddy and tells him if he doesn't hurry up the melon will be all gone. Finally, we become concerned about his silence. JD goes around the back of the house to look in the bathroom window and CA says "I can open the door". It has one of those little hook and eye locks and she knows how to use a knife to unlock it. So she and Mama are working on the door and I am still in the kitchen when I hear her scream and run down the hall and out the front door with Mama following close behind.

My Daddy had taken a gun into our bathroom and ended his life.

Then my memory goes black. That is my last actual memory of that day. I don't know if I followed CA andMama into the front yard or if I went down the hall to see what was wrong, but I know this, I don't have the ability to see mental pictures and I think it ended that day in 1956.

I don't know if friends or family came and got us so we didn't see the sheriff, ambulance etc. I don't know where we stayed over the next days, I just don't remember anything else at all.

My next memory is at the funeral. Mama took me up to the casket to see Daddy. There was a cloth over his upper face. Then I cried myself to sleep on Mama's lap. She woke me when it was time to go to the cemetary.

We continued to live in our house. Mama had the bathroom remodeled. I have no more real memories of that summer. Mama must have handled her grief in private. She focused on getting her children through this and back to some semblance of normal as quickly as possible.

We didn't talk about it. At least I didn't talk about it. Maybe they talked to each other, but maybe I was just too young to talk to, or maybe I was still "gone" and there was some talk that I don't remember. I think we just didn't know what to do, so we just moved through our days. I still haven't talked to my brother about it and I only recently brought up the subject with my sister. She had only slightly more memory of that day than I. I'm sure our minds simply shut down to protect us from the awful truth that had become our reality.

I must have been in some kind of shock for a very long time. I don't remember anything else about that summer. I remember returning to school that year. I was in 2nd grade and had a teacher who terrified me.

At 7 I didn't understand much of what was happening. I didn't know Mama was grieving in private. I just thought we just "got on with it". All my grief was simply pushed down and ignored. I've held it somewhere below and behind my heart, and it has taken me 51 years to bring it to the surface, so it can be opened and cleansed and begin to heal (like "lancing a boil") an emotional boil that I have kept inside for 51 years. At what cost I can only guess. I know I developed many coping skills that allowed me to function in a manner that many would consider successful. I have a good life and avoided many of the pitfalls that fatherless young girls often fall into. That said, I know there has been a cost, one paid by me and everyone in my family. All I can say is "we all did the best we could". It may seem odd in hind sight, but it was the best we could manage then. I can't even imagine the pain my mother carried and the strength she had to have to get herself and her family through the days that followed. She held us together, and that is an amazing thing.

Clicking on the publish post icon is very, very hard . . . but here goes. But if your reading this I got it done.

Okay, I wrote this post a couple days ago and have been working on editing it. After I wrote it, I felt strangely lighter the next day, colors seemed brighter, my heart felt open. My whole body felt better. But I didn't post it, and tonight I have developed soreness at the base of my throat. . .go figure. So I am going to post this now and hope that the soreness goes away. There is more to this story and I promise it does get much better.

Back again

2007-08-01T19:50:00.000-05:00

Hi Jane, hope you are still checking. :)

Well I'm back posting after a long absence. I have been doing a lot of heavy lifting emotionally and spiritually lately. I think I will write about it soon but there is so much, I'm not sure where to begin, so I'll just do the facts for now (just the facts maam).

Was in Virginia for several weeks this Spring. I do love spending time with Shaun & Tiff & Jimmy. Big news on that front is they are expecting again in the first part of Nov. So I'll probably be back there for the month of Nov.

I was in Arizona for a week in June, taking care of some repairs for John's house. This trip also figured heavily into the soul work I've been doing.

Tiff and Jimmy came for a visit in July and we had a GREAT time. He loved the "bouncy place" one of the Bounce U places that is really close to our house. It rained the whole time they were here, but we did get to let him and McKenna play in the wading pool a couple of times. He is talking more and more and just lots of fun.

Jim had kidney stones and was in the hospital for a few days in June and had lithotripsy another time as an outpatient again. Hopefully that will take care of all of the stones.

Well, I think that about catches us up for now, I'll try to get here more often and get to the deeper stuff too.

Where on earth is she?

2007-03-27T09:44:00.000-05:00

Well I didn't forget I had a blog, I just haven't gotten around to writing anything for a while. There's alot going on and I'll probably get to posting about it someday, but for right now I am just too busy playing Oma to Jimmy. Yes I am in Virginia again with the cutest 22 month old I can imagine. We are having a great time, so here's a touch of Jimmy:

I saw him watching the dogs and then he licked the back of each of his hands (is this imprinting? I think maybe so)

We played with bubbles in the yard. He chased them and finally said "I love bubbles".

Laid on Opa's chest and said "I love Opa".

Opa bought ice cream bites for Jimmy and the next morning, when Mommy and Daddy asked about it replied "I like it!"

He's been playing with ten plastic animals we bought him at Wal-mart for 2 weeks now, and shows no sign of losing interest in them.

Bought some legos at a church yard sale and he stacks them as high as he can reach.

Okay, that's enough for now, more later I promise, but I gotta go now. . . cause Jimmy is calling "Oma". :)

Happy Birthday To Me

2007-02-13T22:29:00.000-06:00

Today is my 58th birthday. This year has started off pretty rough. I am processing grief that is 51 years old. Soon I will write about it, but I'm not sure I will post it, I'll wait and see how brave I get. Anyway the whole thing has brought up the book about my life that I mentioned a couple of years ago, but this is a very different book than I ever thought of before. It's just interesting how things can take such a 180 from how I think they will be. :)

Apparently I signed up for way more than I thought in regards to that soul work thing. Oh well, I must have thought I could handle it. . . but it sure ain't easy.

Thanks to all who sent cards and best wishes, I love you all.

In Case You Were Wondering

2007-02-07T10:42:00.000-06:00

So. . . for those of you who check in here to see how or what I'm doing. Here's the scoop.

SOUL WORK!!!!!!!!!! Yep, that's what I've been up to lately and it's no walk in the park. This is hard stuff. Oh, and it seems to be moving me closer to that book I mentioned so long ago. On the up side, I can feel the presence of the Universe, guiding, aiding, clearing my path. I'm so in the flow, and I love that feeling, even when it's hard. And a big "Thank You" to my friend Jane, you are a soul mate! And I am so grateful for your friendship.

Got a 90 minute massage yesterday. Wow. She continues to help me move the "stuck" energy out of my body. I am feeling so much "lighter" in so many ways. AND, most of you are envolved in some way or another in this process, even when you are not aware. Thank you. :)

Say What?

2007-01-16T19:05:00.000-06:00

Guess what I learned recently. That unprocessed grief can settle in the muscles of your body and make you very miserable. Who knew? I mean, I'm not very good at expressing grief in a very timely manner. I've been known to postpone grieving for as long as 30+ years (yes you read that right, YEARS). Imagine what that did to my muscles!!! It's no wonder I have back trouble. So, if you want to learn from my experience, do your grieving in a timely manner, meaning right away. Your body will thank you. Anyway, I am getting a massage every week and working on repairing the damage I have already done to my body. I'm also feeling much better from the head cold, so overall, things are looking up.

Ick. . . I'm sick

2007-01-04T23:41:00.000-06:00

I hab a bery bad head cold. Ha!! Yes, Chris brought back germs from Canada and Jimmy caught it. Poor Tiff got no sleep the last two nights she was here. He wouldn't let anyone near him but "Mommieeeeeeee" until the sun came up, and then for some reason he would play with the rest of us. But all night long it had to be Mommy and she had to be walking most of the time. Joys of motherhood and all that. Either walking the floor or sleeping sitting up in the recliner with son on your lap. These are trying times, but when he looks at her with all the love in the world shining from his beautiful blue eyes, I know it is worth it to her.

Anyway, I wasn't about to let a few germs keep me from the last two days with my precious boy so now I am sick. Worth every minute of this lousy cold. :)

Everything around here is slowing down. We had a great time with everyone here and our belated Christmas. Chris & Danielle have gone to LA to get her car and will be gone for a few days, so it's just Jim and Travis and me. I'm very, very tired. We have a party to go to on Saturday and I don't know if I'm gonna make it or not.

Well, that's about it. I'm going to take my drippy, stuffy nose to bed now and hope for some sleep. Later.

NOT ENOUGH CHOCOLATE

2006-12-24T12:28:00.000-06:00

When one is trying to self medicate a depression with chocolate, there is just not enought chocolate in the world !!! However, God, in his infinite mercy has given us Red Bull, which makes up the difference. :)

I love me some B vitamins.

I am spending Christmas eve with 2 dogs in wet, cold weather. Lots of in and out, and drying fur & paws. Then soon, I am going to the laundromat to wash & dry 3 down comforters. It's and exciting life I lead. :) But I do love the feel of sleeping under a down comforter. In fact, Jim and I sleep sandwiched between layers of down. Nice.

Anyway. . . Merry Christmas to everyone. Hope your mood is as bright as the Christmas star, your heart is as open as the manger, and your friends and family are with you, if not in fact, in love.

Wishing you Light & Love & Laughter.

Clarity

2006-12-20T05:49:00.000-06:00

I prayed for clarity and at 3 a.m. my prayer was answered. As they say, "be careful what you ask for, for you will surely get it".

Here's what I heard. I had two needs which were at odds with each other, and I choose to fill one and to let the other slide, filling it as best I could, here and there, with anything I could find that still fit within my personal standards. Now the first need is no longer so pressing and I find the second need pressing harder than ever. I think it is time to switch places for these two needs. The second must become first and the first become second. In truth, this is a timely event and completely in Divine Order. Life is very good. :)

Deep Blue Funk

2006-12-12T10:52:00.000-06:00

Where am I? What is this deep blue veil all around me? Why am I standing on a square with the numeral one? Oh NOOOOOOOO . . . I'm back at the dreaded square one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well at least that's where it feels like I've been for the last several weeks. Just a general deep blue funk. Unable to pinpoint the reason for the sadness. On the verge of tears several times a day, unable to concentrate on anything. If Chris and Danielle had not been here, Thanksgiving would have been grim. She in particular helped me pull it together. And Christmas decorating and shopping . . . just out of the question.

HOWEVER, the good news is the veil has lifted and even though I have been on square one, it now takes far less time and effort to get back to where I really reside now. I guess that is the deal. All the work I have done does not guarantee I will never slip back into the fear, it just makes it easier to find my way out of it now.

So, now I have a lot of catching up to do and unexpected things to accept (we are keeping a very large dog for a friend for a few days over the holidays. I have gone from a no pet household to a pet motel !!!), and a very discombobulated Christmas season (lots of comings and goings). It will be what it is and I will see all my loved ones, and that's what really counts.

Thank you Jane, for the conversation the other day. We always seem to get it right. :) When I count my blessings, I count you way more that twice !!

So here's wishing you a wonderful Christmas, even if the presents are late. Ha, just kidding. Seriously, it is not that the picture you can create is perfect . . . it is the love in your heart that matters. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it !!!!!!!

Flash of Insight

2006-11-23T12:19:00.000-06:00

I AM DOING THIS TO MYSELF. . .I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF. . .WHEN WILL I STOP DOING THIS TO MYSELF? Soon, very, very soon. Better, NOW, RIGHT NOW, THIS FREAKING MOMENT!!!!!

The above insight can apply to just about anything. If it rings a bell for you, give it some thought. If not, it's not for you, but it's sure for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Home Again II

2006-10-29T09:36:00.000-06:00

Got home Wednesday from 10 glorious days with Tiff, Shaun & JIMMY. Had a wonderful time. The fall colors were really very pretty this year and the weather was good except for a few days of rain.

Jimmy and Oma had their first solo adventure. We went to lunch with a cousin of mine in Williamsburg & then went to the Yankee Candle Factory. They have a real fun set up. Toy store, Christmas room with real snow and a Santa, train that runs around the top of the room, indoor fountain etc. etc. Fun stuff for a 17 month old boy. We chased him around and around and he got to see everything. It was a Thursday and they were really not very busy so all the clerks and even Santa knew Jimmy's name and greeted him on each pass. It was really fun!!! Then Tiff and I went back on Sunday and they even had a petting zoo and he got to pet a miniature horse and pygmy goats and bunnies and a llama and sheep. The horse whinnied and scared him out of his wits. He was trying to run but his feet just kept going up and down so he was just running in place. Mom was standing right beside him, so this only lasted a second before she scooped him up in her arms and made him safe. Isn't that the greatest feeling, to be able to make them feel safe just by holding them in your arms. It passes so quickly. Anyway, on the way out one of the clerks from Thursday saw him and greeted him by name and his Mom was very surprised.

Even though these were fun times, mostly I just cherish the opportunity to be with him and establish a relationship. We watched his favorite video (Elmo in Grouchland) lots of times and I learned the songs he loves and watched him try to sing along. We played silly games and rough housed and just enjoyed time together. It's so important to be able to be with him and see what he is seeing, what he likes, what he doesn't like, what scares him, what makes him smile.

We went shopping for a Halloween costume for him. We were sure Elmo would be a big hit, but he picked out Tigger. He saw it, pointed it out and fussed until we got it for him. We bought an Elmo one too, just in case he changed his mind. Then we put them away at the house for several days, hoping he would forget about the Tigger and accept the Elmo. . . silly us. He looked at the Elmo costume, said "Tigger" got down and began to search for the Tigger costume. Wouldn't put on the Elmo one at all, donned the Tigger and ran around the house just as pleased as punch. I'm pretty sure he's going to be Tigger for Halloween :)

Home Again (for a little while)

2006-10-14T08:50:00.000-05:00

Well I've been home since Sunday afternoon and am leaving again Sunday morning. This time it's to Virginia and Shaun, Tiff and JIMMY. Can't wait.

However here's a quick update on the Arizona trip. Had a great time. The reunion was lots of fun and then we took several days to come home. Did a little sight seeing. Went through the Big Bend country. It's really pretty, especially after some rain that has made the grass green and high. Had lunch at Alpine at the Holland Hotel in the Edelwiess restaurant. The hotel is an old one that has been redone and the restaurant is also a brewery with stacks of bags of hops etc. all over the place, really fun. Went to Barksdale and saw Aunts and Uncle and Cousins. Then up to Fredricksburg for lunch and a little shopping. It was Octoberfest so town was really crowded and we moved on to Johnston City. Ate at the most wonderful Silver K restaurant in the old lumberyard. Wonderful!! (Thought of you, Jane) Went to Enchanted Rock (you really should see it, it's worth the trip) and then on to Llano for BBQ at Cooper's, also an experience you shouldn't miss. Much fun and great food. Drove through the lakes around Buchanan Dam, really pretty!! Then spent the night in Giddings and came home the next day. All around, a great time.

One quick story before I gotta go and get this day started, I've got lots to do to be ready to go tomorrow morning and I have a Sunrider conference this afternoon. Looking forward to both.

Anyway, the story: On Monday we were all going on an excursion and Grandma Miller, her sister Aunt G (both in their 80's) were in the car with Carrol Ann, Amanda and I. Jim and TJ were going to get my purse and meet us at the gate. Well I decided I'd better wait and make sure Jim could find my purse, as it was under some things and definitely out of sight. I explained this little delay to my passengers by saying "you know how sometimes men can't find things" and Grandma said "Yes, my Aunt used to say "they can only find one thing and that's because they have one hand on it all the time"!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU LOVE IT??? We had such a good laugh. Just goes to show, the more things change. . . the more they stay the same :)

So with that little story I say goodbye for now.

Off Again

2006-09-22T21:09:00.000-05:00

Well we are off again. We leave in the morning to Arizona. Family reunion is next week-end and then Jim and I are going to do a little sight seeing on the way home. I have finally decided that we need to get to some of the "we should do that someday" things. I want to go to Johnson City, Fredricksburg, Llano, Enchanted Rock etc. Just some fun things that one might do on a real "vacation". I'm looking forward to it all. . .will let you know all about it when we get back. See ya on down the road. :)

This is another good one

2006-09-08T19:19:00.000-05:00

Another Daily Om. . . sorry, but it was really too good. After my teen years, I just never had the enegy level for very much drama and would probably be called "low key" by those who know me. That said, I have observed many who are on the dramatic journey and while I understood a lot of the reasons behind the action this explained more and offered solutions if one is tired of the drama or ready for a little more peaceful life. :) What do you think?

Daily Om
September 8, 2006

Alive In Joy/Dispelling Drama

There are scores of people in the world who seem to be magnets for calamity. They live their lives jumping from one difficult situation to the next, surrounded by unstable individuals. Some believe themselves victims of fate and decry a universe they regard as malevolent. Others view their chaotic circumstances as just punishments for some failing within. Yet, in truth, neither group has been fated or consigned to suffer. They are likely unconsciously drawing drama into their lives, attracting catastrophe through their choices, attitudes, and patterns of thought. Drama, however disastrous, can be exciting and stimulating. But the thrill of pandemonium eventually begins to frustrate the soul and drain the energy of all who embrace it. To halt this process, we must understand the root of our drama addiction, be aware of our reactions, and be willing to accept that a serene, joyful life need not be a boring one. Many people, so used to living in the dramatic world they create, feel uncomfortable when confronted with the prospect of a lifetime of peace and contentment. The drama in their lives serves multiple purposes. Upset causes excitement, prompting the body to manufacture adrenaline, which produces a pleasurable surge of energy. For those seeking affection in the form of sympathy, drama forms the basis of their identity as a victim. And when drama is familial, many people believe they can avoid abandonment by continuing to play a key role in the established family dynamic. The addiction to drama is fed by the intensity of the feelings evoked during bouts of conflict, periods of uncertainty, and upheaval. Understanding where the subconscious need for drama stems from is the key to addressing it effectively. Journaling can help you transfer this need from your mind onto a benign piece of paper. After repeated writing sessions, your feelings regarding the mayhem, hurt feelings, and confusion often associated with drama become clear. When you confront your emotional response to drama and the purpose it serves in your life, you can reject it. Each time you consciously choose not to take part in dramatic situations or associate with dramatic people, you create space in your inner being that is filled with a calm and tranquil stillness and becomes an asset in your quest to lead a more centered life.

Good enough to share

2006-09-07T11:08:00.000-05:00

Today's Daily Om was so good I had to share. Really, really good :)

September 7, 2006

Receiving With GraceAccepting Compliments

Many of us find it difficult to accept compliments but easy to believe the slightest criticism. Today, right now, let's make a choice to fully accept compliments as we would a gift. Sincere compliments are gifts of praise. They are kudos given for wise choices or accomplishments or perhaps for just letting your light shine. There is no reason not to accept the gift of a kind word, but some of us argue against them, even giving reasons why they aren't true. If we visualize the energy of a compliment, we would see beautiful, shining, positive energy being sent from the giver. That energy, if accepted graciously, would brighten our personal energy field. Our gratitude then returns to the giver as warm, fuzzy, glowing energy, completing an even circuit of good feelings. But if we reject a compliment, what could have been a beautiful exchange becomes awkward and uncomfortable, making it a negative experience instead. Misplaced modesty can ruin the joy of sharing this connection with another person. But we can accept a compliment and still be modest by simply saying "thank you." However, if compliments are rejected due to a lack of self-esteem, then the first step would be to start believing good things about yourself. Try giving yourself compliments in the mirror. Beyond the initial feelings of silliness, you will notice how good it feels and can watch the smile it puts on your face. The next step would be to see how it feels to give compliments to others. Notice how great you feel when you've made another person's face brighten and how differently you feel when the gift you've offered is rejected. Having experienced all sides, you will be ready to play along fully and willingly. We are our harshest critics. When we accept compliments, we are reminded that others see us through different eyes. All living beings crave positive attention, and we all deserve to have positive energy shared with us. Perhaps if we happily and gratefully accept compliments, we will give others permission to do so as well.

Home Again

2006-09-02T23:16:00.000-05:00

Well we are back. Got home Thursday. Had a great visit with Tiff and family. Got to spend real time with Jimmy. He has changed so much since May. He is running around all over the place, takes your finger and insists you go with him, loves games like catch me, loves balls of every kind, loves music (he dances), has a wonderful sense of humor and is just generally a great little person. Also saw my aunt & uncle & cousin & daughter. This aunt is my mother's only remaining sibling, and is pretty frail so I was glad to have a chance for a visit.

Abby had grown quite a bit in the ten days we were gone. She is still learning her manners, but she is doing a pretty good job. Had to take her to the vet for checkup and shots on Friday.

Chris & Danielle closed on their house here in Houston. Very excited for them. It's a really nice place.

That's about all I have to say right now. It's late and I gotta go to bed. Catch ya later.

Bon Voyage

2006-08-21T06:36:00.000-05:00

Well, here it is 6:30 in the am and I am up, showered, dressed, packed and eating breakfast. . . do you think I might be excited about today? Yessss I am!!!! We are going to Virginia to see Tiff & Shaun & JIMMY!!!!! He is 15 months and busy as he can be. The last time I saw him, which was on his birthday, he wasn't even letting go of things and standing on his own, and now he is running all over the house and backyard. Can't wait to see him and all his new abilities.

As for my last post, things are going pretty well with Abby. She is a puppy with puppy energy, but she seems to be learning well (only a few puddles) and I still think she is a good dog. Chris is leading the way in the training, and I am very glad to have him and Danielle here for the first few months. I think she will be pretty well trained by then and I can maintain the regimen. We have to keep a keen eye on her as she, of course likes to chew.

Well, gotta go check last minute details etc. Oh did I mention that we are not leaving here until 9:00 :) (yes, I am excited)

See ya soon!

I can't believe it!!!!

2006-08-10T08:01:00.000-05:00

Background: I have been very sure about the fact that I don't want or need a dog at the present time. Some time in the future, yes I will probably get a dog BUT it will be one that DOES NOT SHED. Right now I still travel a lot and I don't want the hassle of arranging pet care. Besides, I had children, I've done the nuture thing. This is my break time. The kids are grown and I am enjoying my relatively free days here. . .and yet.

Tuesday someone dumped a puppy on our doorstep, literally. Danielle saw a car stop out front and then speed off with a black fur ball chasing it. She went outside and there was a black puppy. Yes indeedy. A black puppy delivered to my door by the universe. (Jane I can hear you laughing from here) Well long story short. Her name is Abby (for abandoned). She does shed. Best guesses at lineage are black lab or border collie. She's black with a white patch on her chest and a little white on all four paws. She seems to be a very sweet dog, and hopefully easily trained, as we don't have any idea what we are doing. Anyway, trip to the vet (yes she's healthy) and dog store for supplies and we have a new definition of the words "free dog". Wish us well, we will need it!!!!

Good news is she made it 7 hours last night without an accident. I think that's pretty good!

Home Again

2006-08-05T22:25:00.000-05:00

Got home yesterday afternoon. Had a lovely week with my friend Jane in Johnson City. She was house sitting for her brother who has a lovely place outside of town, complete with calf, guinea fowl, deer and wild turkey. What a great time I had!!! We did a little touring (Fredricksburg, Llano, Lukenbach, Enchanted Rock) and some stay at home and swim too. All and all, the week couldn't have been more perfect. I even got to revisit the Elisabeth Ney museum in Austin on my way home. I highly recommend all of the above places. Llano was an adventure in eating BBQ. Coopers BBQ was the best I have ever had and an experience in the bargain. Enchanted Rock is just what it says. The museum is Ney's sculpture studio and is very interesting. And best of all was time spent with Jane. We got to catch up and even shared new pics of Jimmy that Tiff e-mailed us. Always makes me smile. :)

Have had a couple of aha's lately.

First: Babies. . . I love babies. I have always loved babies. What I realized recently was that being around babies puts ME in an energy of love. I feel better in their auras. Once a friend who never had children said to me that she thought mothers knew things that non mothers didn't. I of course could see that the journey of parenthood would bring different lessons than non parenthood, but the recent realization was that it is the experience of having your day to day bathed in the energy of love that is one of the most important lessons of the journey. It introduced me to being in the energy of love in a more profound way than any thing else I had experienced before. The course (A Course In Miracles) says everything is love or fear, but that ultimately fear is just a cry for love, so it is either love or a cry for love. Motherhood moved me much closer to that lesson.

Second: Lack. . . I came into a family that has had the energy of "not enough" run through it for generations. I am trying to shift this into an attitude of abundance. My personal truth is that I have never had a hungry day in my life, never been without clothes or a roof over my head, never really faced serious deprivation. My ancestors did and I believe the energy of fear that they experienced has been passed on to their offspring. I am shifting this. My children are shifting this. The aha came while Jane and I were talking about this being a part of her story also. I realized that shifting this energy is part of our soul agreement. When enough of us make this shift and critical mass is reached we will realize that there really is enough resources on the planet to take care of all it's inhabitants. This is a big aha for me. :)

Well that's about it, glad to be back home, grateful for wonderful friends, and especially my terrific family. . .just enjoying the journey :)

Good-bye

2006-07-30T16:37:00.000-05:00

They are getting a divorce. She is moving away. Good-byes are not fun. Like Charlie Brown, "I need more hellos". I don't think I will see or hear from her very much. I have known her for almost half of her life. I went from not liking her very much to loving and respecting her. She has been one of my blessings and my great teacher, also. I will miss her, but I wish her well on the rest of her journey. May she keep on learning and teaching all her life. God Speed Daughter, God Speed.

I'm Back

2006-07-20T10:34:00.000-05:00

Just got back in town Monday after a week with my sister and her four year old granddaughter, Amanda. What a fun time we had. Spent a couple days in Austin. Saw the bats come out from under the Congress Street bridge. That is an amazing sight. I had never seen it before and it's really something. 1.5 million freetail bats making an exit is quite an impressive sight. Went to Zilcher park, and the children's museum. I highly recommend both. Then we took a back roads drive down to our family reunion. Went to Luckenbach (you shouldn't miss Luckenbach if you like country music), Fredricksburg for lunch and fruit stand purchases, winding mountain roads with lots of switchbacks (luckily no one get car sick) and amazing views of canyons. Very Pretty Country.

Had a great time at the reunion. It's always trying to catch up with cousins and remember who belongs to who, and about the time I'm starting to get it together it's time to leave. All and all I like my relatives. They are good people.

Amanda is the most amazing child. It is so good to be in that child energy, even though it can be very tiring, she is the most loving, caring child. She just opens up my heart. She loved the hotel swimming pool, boat ride, train ride in Zilcher Park, the bats, the children's museum, but especially the kids at the family reunion. She is a very social animal. And danced her cousin Randy (a grandfather) into the ground. She is a wonderful blessing and addition to our whole family.

Jim is recuperating nicely. Slowly, but steadily improving. This is going to be a long time frame until he is 100% again, so lots of opportunity for life lessons around patience :), not our strong point just yet.

Well, gotta go now. Miss McKenna is on her way over for a few hours and I gotta get ready. She is soooo fun too. I am very blessed!!!!!!

I have created my world

2006-06-18T15:50:00.000-05:00

Enough of that mourning thing. Sorry, I didn't mean to be gone so long.

ANYWAY. . ."I have created my world". This one may come out jumbled and not well thought out but here goes anyway. I had a gift certificate for a facial & massage at a salon in the Galleria area. As I sat waiting for my appointment I watched people come and go. They were all much better dressed than I and probably in a higher economic bracket than I. I watched my discomfort and realized I had created this world, a world where people are not equal. Some people are more "special" than others. Some are wealthier, some are smarter and/or better educated, some are prettier, some are more stable, some are more talented, some are kinder, some are more loving, some are better parents, some are better spouses/partners, some are more religous, some are more spiritual. Whatever the differences, I make judgements and assign value accordingly. Sometimes I put myself in the more catagory and sometimes in the less catagory, thus driving my emotional roller coaster.

This is not a very pretty world I have created, so I think I will trade it in for the world God created. I will release my judgements and illusions of seperation and remember we are all one. It may not be easy and it may not happen today, but it is closer everyday now. Every day I make a new decision. Every day I stay in the emotion of love instead of fear, I move closer to God's world. I have never felt better.

I realized many years ago that the trouble in the world was caused by our constant division of people into groups of "us and them". Whatever the grouping, the seperation is the problem, but I didn't have the means to go any further with it until I "really" began to study A Course In Miracles this year. What divisions do you make in your life? Which ones make you happy and which ones make you sad?

Mourning

2006-06-18T15:13:00.000-05:00

I am not very good at staying current with my grief. I am very good at filing it away somewhere to be processed at a later date. This ability can be an asset when I am faced with a crisis and I have to function even though my heart is breaking, but it becomes a liability when I just file away my emotions because they are inconvenient or embarassing. They have a way of popping up again and again until I get the message and address the problem.

It has been brought to my attention that I may have been doing this is regards to Jimmy living so far away and maybe this is why I have been sick so much lately. Ummmm could be I suppose. . . Yeah, I know. So here goes.

This is not how I want it to be. I want to see Jimmy every week, see every milestone as he makes it, hear every new word he says, hold him and kiss him any time I want to. I want him to know who I am and that I am as important to his world, as he is to mine. I want his eyes to light up with recognition when he sees me. I want him to look for me when he needs comforting.
When I was starting my family, I wanted to live near my mother and mother-in-law so that my children would have a close relationship to them. This was something I never had with my grandparents. I had that for several years and I really enjoyed it. Now, it is how I want it to be with my grandchildren. I know in my heart that is not likely, as 2 of my children live away from us now and the others could move at any time, but it is still how I want it to be. So the current situation is connected to my Mother in some way, and I still miss her also.

Sometimes we mourn people and things we have lost through death or divorce or relocation, and sometimes we mourn the things we never really had at all. When my friends divorced there was the mourning for the loss of the marriage and family they had created, and then later there was mourning for the marriage and family they "thought" they would have but never really did. Sometimes it's the loss of our "pictures", (our ideas of how we want it to be) that is making us sad. So I am no longer filing away my sadness that my situation doesn't fit my picture. This is not how I want it to be and yet it is my current reality. It's ok to be sad about that. I am trying to learn. . .I am trying!

He's fine

2006-06-12T18:40:00.000-05:00

Jim had his surgery this morning and everything went well and we are home. He's medicated for pain and a little irritated at his dependency but otherwise fine. Thanks for your thoughts, prayers etc. You know I'm a believer!!

I have another freaking cold. . .I can't imagine. I've been sick more in the last month than the whole last year. Enough whining. We're fine.

I am not my body

2006-06-11T17:25:00.000-05:00

I have a body, but I am not my body. I have emotions, but I am not my emotions. I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts. What is the I having all these experiences? I am spirit. Spirit who has a body with thoughts and emotions. Try living from that perspective for five minutes. :) I keep trying!!!

Another "good" thing

2006-06-09T10:40:00.000-05:00

This is from Totaly Unique Thoughts today

Verily, if "they" are in your life, you have something to gain.
Besides their absence, Linda.
The Universe

VERY good!!!

Daily Om

2006-06-08T10:14:00.000-05:00

Today's DailyOM

May 16, 2006Set Yourself FreeLetting Go Of Perfection
It is good to remember that one of our goals in life is to not be perfect. We often lose track of this aspiration. When we make mistakes, we think that we are failing or not measuring up. But if life is about experimenting, experiencing, and learning, then to be imperfect is a prerequisite. Life becomes much more interesting once we let go of our quest for perfection and aspire for imperfection instead. This doesn't mean that we don't strive to be our best. We simply accept that there is no such thing as perfection-especially in life. All living things are in a ceaseless state of movement. Even as you read this, your hair is growing, your cells are dying and being reborn, and your blood is moving through your veins. Your life changes more than it stays the same. Perfection may happen in a moment, but it will not last because it is an impermanent state. Trying to hold on to perfection or forcing it to happen causes frustration and unhappiness. In spite of this, many of us are in the habit of trying to be perfect. One way to nudge ourselves out of this tendency is to look at our lives and notice that no one is judging us to see whether or not we are perfect. Sometimes, perfectionism is a holdover from our childhood-an ideal we inherited from a demanding parent. We are adults now, and we can choose to let go of the need to perform for someone else's approval. Similarly, we can choose to experience the universe as a loving place where we are free to be imperfect. Once we realize this, we can begin to take ourselves less seriously and have more fun. Imperfection is inherent to being human. By embracing your imperfections, you embrace yourself. Want more DailyOM?

I liked this for so many reasons so I decided to share. :)

Catching up

2006-06-06T11:26:00.000-05:00

Well. . .there is a lot so in no particular order of importance, just what pops into my conscious stream of thought
Jim has to have surgery to repair a torn tendon in his arm this Thursday. Surgery is simple but the recovery is 4 to 6 MONTHS. It is very important that his arm heals well or he could lose most of the use of his arm forever, so please hold him in the light, pray for him or just send good thoughts his way. I believe in the power of the collective consciousness, however you access it.

We had a really good time in Arizona, but they are having a drought and need rain badly!!

We had McKenna's first birthday party on the new deck that Jim built. It was a great party thanks to her parents, who did everything. I was in a benedryl induced haze (another story). Aunt Becky made another amazing DVD of her year of firsts and presented me with my copy of both her's and Jimmy's DVDs. They still make me cry. She is the most amazing child. Really!!! She is walking and talking and busy as she can be. When she is in the room I can't take my eyes off her, which is a good thing because she is everywhere and checking out everything all the time, and we love her so.

I am having a very strange few weeks. Illness, fall, burn, allergy reaction. Apparently it takes a lot to get my attention. I think this is about really moving to a different relationship with my body. . . ergo, I am not my body, my body is just the costume I chose to wear for this particular adventure. It has served me well, but I AM NOT MY BODY!!!!! And if I am not my body, what am I? Interesting questions. I am looking to A Course In Miracles for some answers. I do love that course. :)

Oh my, I hope that's all

HAPPY MOTHER''S DAY

2006-05-14T08:10:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother's Day to all the new mothers I know personally and all the others too. May your journey be exciting, exhausting, thrilling, mindnumbing, heartbreaking, challenging, rewarding. . .you get the picture. It will run the whole gamit of emotions, but mostly may it bring you full circle. I feel something so right about the completeness of the cycles and circles in my life. It is one of the really good things about growing older. So hold you babies tight, and enjoy every stage of your journey, it goes by very fast. My love to you all.

First Birthday

2006-05-12T11:44:00.000-05:00

We went to Virginia for Jimmy's first birthday. We had such a great week. I swear he is so cute he makes your eyes water. . . really!!!

He was the perfect birthday boy. Entertained all his guests, flirted with his mother's hot friends (and I really mean this, he was so taken with Catherine it was a riot), opened all his presents, giving each one his full attention and not fussing when it was taken away so he could open the next one, mushing his birthday cake. . . he just couldn't have been better. He crawled to the door and watched as his guests left. He's a born host. :)

We had a great time with him. He got a John Deere tractor from his uncle Travis that was a big hit. When we put him on it and pushed him around he would say "weeeeee". How cute is that? His aun Becky made him a DVD with pictures from his first year set to music that made me cry everytime I watched it. It is so wonderful.

He is very busy learning all the skills he wants to master. He's just so precious!!!

It was a perfectly wonderful week.

Universal Prayer?

2006-05-12T11:15:00.000-05:00

Lord please give me the knowledge, wisdom, courage and discipline to do what I need to do.

Sort of fits most of the time. I'm using it more often myself. :)

Consequences

2006-04-28T12:45:00.000-05:00

Several years ago one of my sons was in Jr. High School and didn't pass a class. He then had to take the class in summer school to make up the credit. I had to drive him to and from his class every day. As I was trying to teach him about the consequences of his choices we had the following conversation:

Me: Son if you had just done the work in class you wouldn't be spending your summer in a classroom. You chose not to do that and now you have to sit in class for hours and then do homework in the afternoon. Wouldn't it have been easier to just do the required work in the first place?

Son: Maybe, but I can live with the consequences.

Me: Well did you notice that you are not the only one sharing the consequences of your actions? I am spending 2 hours of my day driving back and forth to this school. I have other things to do and this puts a strain on me too.

Son: There's no one I'd rather share my consequences with than you Mom. :)

Okay, so maybe I didn't get the lesson across that day. :) I have been thinking about consequences lately. The people who care about us share the consequences of our choices all the time. If we make poor choices and bring difficult experiences to ourselves, our family and friends have to watch us go through those difficult times. If our consequences are really dire and possibility put us in harms' way, then they will actually impact the lifes of those who care about us.

Consequences, there's just no way not to share them.

Living our lives carefully doesn't mean never taking risks or doing fun things or making all our decisions based on what our family and friends will think or experience because of our choices. It does mean making our choices thoughtfully not just reactively. No man is an island never rang so true for me as lately, so please, live your lives consciously.

And speaking of consciousness, does it seem to you that some people are unconscious, some semi-conscious and very few really conscious? Okay this is a new topic, but also on my mind lately. I heard Oprah tell a woman on her show "you are unconscious" and I thought "That's It, that's how I feel about so many people. They are just living their lives unconsciously. Reacting instead of making conscious choices (not really a new topic after all) and I find interacting with them just so. . .so . . .tiring. Is it just me or what?

well, I think I have rambled on enough. Thanks for stopping by.

They're still showing me the way

2006-04-28T09:59:00.000-05:00

They are my children, all of whom are adults now, but they still help me to learn. The latest lesson is "if I have any investment in being or feeling or thinking I'm right, I haven't learned the highest lesson". I might have learned some smaller lesson but I haven't learned the "advanced" lesson. I keep trying for the "advance" levels but I'm not there yet. I do keep advancing though, and that may just be the idea.

I am, however, very grateful for the wonderful souls who agreed to share my journey with me and try to show me the way. They help me more than they know. They think they are just living their lives, going about their days, having their journeys, and yet. . .I am coming to my lessons thru them and their experiences, which is, of course, MY JOURNEY. Way cool!!!!

2006-04-20T14:41:00.000-05:00

This is from the Daily Om:

April 20, 2006Feeding Your SpiritTaking Time For Yourself

Modern life compels us to rush. Because we feel pressured to make the most of our time each day, the activities that sustain us, rejuvenate us, and help us evolve are often the first to be sacrificed when we are in a hurry or faced with a new obligation. It is important we remember that there is more to life than achieving success, making money, and even caring for others. Your spiritual needs should occupy an important spot on your list of priorities. Each task you undertake and each relationship you nurture draws from the wellspring of your spiritual vitality. Taking the time to engage in spiritually fulfilling activities replenishes that well and readies you to face another day. Making time for the activities that contribute to your spiritual growth has little to do with being selfish and everything to do with your well-being. Regularly taking the time to focus on your soul's needs ensures that you are able to nurture yourself, spend time with your thoughts, experience ! tranquility, and expand your spiritual boundaries. It is easy to avoid using our free moments for spiritual enrichment. There is always something seemingly more pressing that needs to be done. Many people feel guilty when they use their free time to engage in pursuits where they are focusing on themselves because they feel as if they are neglecting their family or their work. To make time for yourself, it may be necessary to say no to people's requests or refuse to take on extra responsibilities. Scheduling fifteen or thirty minutes of time each day for your spiritual needs can make you feel tranquil, give you more energy and allows you to feel more in touch with the universe. Writing in a journal, meditating, studying the words of wise women and men, and engaging in other spiritual practices can help you make the most of this time. Making time to nurture your spirit may require that you sacrifice other, less vital activities. The more time you commit to soul-nurturing activities, the happier and more relaxed you will become. The time you devote to enriching your spirit will rejuvenate you and help you create a more restful life.

I wonder if this has anything to do with my mood the last few days. I have been very teary for several days, and although it could have to do with a couple of situations in my family that are not about me and therefore not mine to act on, I wonder if these situations would bother me as much if I were REALLY making time to feed my spirit. I had been doing very well with A Course In Miracles but can't feel the "connection" the last few days. I'm going to get back on track and see if my mood lifts. I'll keep you "posted". :)

Happy Easter

2006-04-16T10:35:00.000-05:00

Happy Easter!! I hope the day brings you family and friends and great weather and some time for contemplation. A course in miracles says that the lesson Jesus meant for us to have was not the crucifixion but the resurrection. The miracle of overcoming death that we might be released from our fear of death. I like that. It makes so much more sense to me than that Jesus was sacrificed for our sins, I could just never wrap my brain around that idea. So I celebrate Jesus and all the lessons he brought. Wishing you well!!

FINALLY!!!!!!!

2006-04-02T16:17:00.000-05:00

We just got back from Austin. We went to a wonderful wedding. My best friend Jane's son got married to a wonderful young lady. They were so beautiful it almost made me cry just to look at them. And sooooo in love. I just couldn't be happier for them. So why the FINALLY? because in the last few years we have been to 3 funerals for the family. It was wonderful to see them all at a positive occasion when everyone was so happy. They have come through some hard years lately and this felt like coming out of the dark and into a glorious sunny day filled with love. The wedding itself was a wonder affair, very non traditional and very family oriented which was what the bride and groom were going for, I think. It was at a lovely old inn under huge live oak trees. The house has the old wrap-around porch on the front and one side with white columns. Imagine a white house with said porch, sitting on lovely grounds filled with trees. Oh my. I want to live there, I just don't want the maintaince and upkeep of such a place. Anyway, the wedding was all about family. The bride and grooms parents are all divorced, and I can't say too much about the bride's parents relationship because I don't know them, but they seemed quite friendly with each other and their respective partners. The groom's family has a wonderful relationship. Jane and David had two children and then divorced. They remained friends and co-parented their children in a wonderful way. Then David married Barbara and they have adopted two children. The way these people care about each other is a wonderful thing to see. Barbara & David's children call Jane "Nana Jane" and just adore their big brother and sister, and the big brother and sister dote on their young siblings. These 3 adults have created a family that would be the envy of anyone. It truly is amazing to see. I feel very blessed to have watched their journey from the sidelines. I have such admiration for all of them, parents and children alike. And best of all, the bride seems to be a perfect fit also. We had a great time at the wedding. Jim danced all night long. I danced until my feet hurt. The drive over was spectacular with the Spring greens everywhere and the wild flowers in bloom. The bluebonnets and pinks were gorgeous. A great weekend, hope your's was good too.

???????

2006-03-16T16:56:00.000-06:00

Apparently my posts are being posted as I am receiving comments but I can't see anything after the dream one. Does anyone have an answer as to why this is happening? Seems strange to me!!!

Changing fronts

2006-03-15T13:54:00.000-06:00

My aunt died this week. She was 96 and my Mother's oldest sister. Now there is only the youngest sister still with us. It seems strange that almost the entire generation has gone on. Really puts us on the front line in a different kind of way. Oh my! Feels strange.

Grandparents

2006-03-05T09:26:00.000-06:00

We are back from two weeks in Virginia, and Jimmy is as cute as ever a baby can be!!! We are having so much fun being Oma and Opa. We just wrapped our days around that little boy and enjoyed every moment. We are going back in May for his first birthday.

I never really knew my grandmothers well. They lived in Texas and we lived in Ariz. We went to visit every year, but once a year is not enough to really know someone and they had all the other grandchildren close by so their relationships were much closer and I could always feel that. When we had children I always hoped they would have the chance to know their grandmothers (interestingly there were no grandfathers alive in either generation). Anyway, we lived in Douglas when the kids were young and they did get to know both grandmothers, with the exception of Travis, who was 3 when we moved away. He probably didn't feel he knew them as well as the other kids. I have always been grateful for that time. I had help with the kids and they had that sense of extended family that comes from knowing the older generation. Jimmy will have that sense in that he has Shaun's family here and his Grandma Ta baby sits him while Mommy works. I am truly very grateful for that for everyone concerned. I know what a wonderful gift it is to everyone.

And his Oma & Opa are just going to work harder at maintaining a long distance relationship with him so that he never feels like he doesn't really know us. It is easier with all the electronic aids we have now, but. . . it just makes me a little sad that I am not going to be the one he has that special relationship with. Just the way the ball bounces. :)

I had a dream

2006-02-19T22:47:00.000-06:00

My mother died in April of 2004. This week she was in my dream for the first time. Nothing exciting or deep, just me doing her hair, but I think it was significant that I was finally able to dream of her. In recent posts I talked about the shift I felt around our birthdays. I don't think the timing is a coincidence. I love when this stuff happens. :)

Another thing I believe

2006-02-15T22:53:00.000-06:00

I believe certain energies run through families for generations. It is apparent with low energies, such as alcoholism or incest or neglect or abuse of any kind. I believe some people then come into these families to “pivot” that low energy into a higher energy. When an energy has been “pivoted” the new energy runs both forward and backward. It affects both those who came after the “pivot” and those who came before.

This is a story I tell myself:

When I was 7 years old my father committed suicide. He left four children, ranging in age from 19 to 7, fatherless.
When I was 19 my brother was killed in a car accident. He had two sons ages 7 and 3. I had to tell them their Daddy was dead. Twelve years later the 3 year old had a car accident. His best friend was killed. In December Travis had a bad car accident. He and his friend were both fine. I believe Travis somehow “pivoted” this energy of death that has run through my family for generations. I believe this, not with the logical left side of my brain, but with the intuitive side. The side you just "know" things with.

My Birthday

2006-02-13T12:26:00.000-06:00

Today I am 57 years old. Happy Birthday to me! I fell goood nana nana nana nah, Like I knew that I would now nana nana nana nah! Just kidding, couldn't resist. I do feel wonderful. This is going to be a fine birthday in a tremendous year. I have an overwhelming feeling of impending GOOD! I like that. Everyone have a great day and a piece of birthday cake on me. :)

More Mothers and Daughters

2006-02-11T22:54:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. She would have been 92, but she left her body in April of 2004. Our birthdays are 3 days apart. Mom's, Feb. 10, mine, Feb. 13, and my sister's Feb. 16. I think this is pretty tight karma. Anyway it has always been "our" birthdays. Last year sister and I were together in San Antonio. This is the first year in a long, long time that it will be just "my" birthday. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that, but I know how I feel about Mom's day. I was a bit sad earlier in the week and then I felt a very real shift about mid week. It is okay, really okay, now. There has been some powerful shifts taking place in the last few months and I will try to write about it at another time, but I feel this shift was part of the larger shift currently taking place in my life. AND IT'S ALL GOOD. So yesterday morning, I woke up and smiled and said "Happy Birthday Mama". Life is soooo good, AND. . . SHIFT HAPPENS!!!!

Mothers and Daughters

2006-02-02T11:28:00.000-06:00

This is for Charlene, with love and thanks for all she did for my family!!

Sometimes mothers have to make really difficult decisions for their daugher's well being. These are two stories about those times. One is mine and one is a friend's (I will change the name because it's not my story).

When Tiffanie had Jimmy I had to leave her after just 2 weeks. This was soooooo hard. Going 1300 miles away from my baby and her baby broke my heart. I still cry when I remember her breaking into tears as we woke her to say goodbye and then standing in the door, holding her newborn son and waving goodbye. (tears are flowing now) But I knew it was what we had to do. Shaun needed the space that we vacated to step into and become the amazing husband and father that he is. This new family needed the time to bond and grow deeper.

The other story is about my friend "Zena". I met Zena in El Paso. She was married to "Thor" who was a bit older than her and she had 2 kids from her previous marriage. She had gotten pregnant at about 15 and married the boy. He went into the army and they had another baby 2 years later. Then he fell in love with her best friend!! She figured it out and the whole ugly scene I leave up to your imagination. Anyway, in the middle of this horrific scene, she called her mother and said she was coming home to stay, and her mother said "NO you can't come home." and hung up. Zena was in a state of shock! She called her mother back and said she had to come home, husband was kicking her out and she had no place else to go. Her mother relented and said "okay, you can come home, but you can only stay one month. At the end of that time you must have a place of your own". Zena was about 19 or 20 with 2 babies and she had a place of her own in 3 weeks. As she was telling me this many years later, she said she knew it was the hardest thing her mother ever had to do, but it was the BEST thing her mother had ever done for her. If she had gone home to mama with those two babies, her mother would have ended up raising her two children and she herself would have never grown up. It wasn't easy and she did not have an easy time of it. She was on welfare and lots of hard times ensued, BUT she was still grateful to her mother for making that most difficult decision.

It's not easy being a mother, and those difficult decisions you have to make really do break your heart, but when you know it's the right thing for your child you just have to do it. And, Charlene, it is the right thing. Hang in there, I know it's hard.

Thought for the day

2006-01-30T08:40:00.000-06:00

Some people bloom late. Some very late. And some, very, very late.
But, Linda, they all bloom. And the longer it takes, the more spectacular it is.
Quite the deal, huh?

The Universe

From www.tut.com

Problem or inconvenience?

2006-01-29T21:03:00.000-06:00

If you read this blog or if you know my family, you know Travis had an accident in December that destroyed his car. He has lots of financial set backs due to the accident. Fortunately, neither he nor his passenger were seriously hurt. I have told him, and I believe he really gets it, that these are inconveniences not problems. There is an old movie I saw one time in which an older man tells a young man "know what's wrong with you? You don't know the difference between a problem and an inconvenience". I think of this often when I am reacting to an inconvenience as though it were a problem. Had Travis or Adam been seriously injured or disabled in the accident - that would have been a real problem. Money trouble is an inconvenience. We just forget that when we get caught up in our society's idea that money defines us.

Just a little mental trick I use to help me gain perspective when I need it most.

What are some of your tricks?

Denial

2006-01-29T20:54:00.000-06:00

A course in miracles says denial is a "decision not to know". You can't deny what you don't know. I like that alot.

What do you think?

2006-01-08T21:30:00.000-06:00

This is one of the things I believe:

I believe we enter and exit our lives on cue. That is, I don't believe anyone leaves their body one minute before the time they have set before they come in. We just have a hard time understanding what we think are early exits. Babies, children and young people seem to have so much life ahead of them that we just have a hard time accepting their deaths. But it seems to me we are assuming something that is just not true. We are assuming that everyone is guaranteed a long and full life. Logically, we know this is not true, but we forget logic and respond with emotion.

Life doesn't guarantee anything. Every pregnancy does not result in a perfect healthy child. Every parent will not out live all their children. Every marriage will not end in "happily every after". That's just not how real life works. Real life is not "reel life" when tv and movies wrap up everything neatly, with a great sound track no less. Real life is messy, and we sometimes forget that, until we are reminded in sad, sad ways. Maybe these reminders are for us who are still here to appreciate our lives and our loves even if they are not what we think of as "perfection". . . to live them ever more fully, hold our lives ever more dearly just because we have no guarantees. Because even with the risks that are involved, we still sign on for the ride. We must have our reasons. :) So let's try to remember to hold our loved ones near and our lives
dear even in the midst of the stress of jobs, diapers, laundry, homework, housework and the day to day to-do list that will never get done.

What do you think?

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T14:27:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year to everyone. May 2006 be better than 2005 was, even if 2005 was a good year for you. :)

I am just so exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally. The usual holiday stuff, of course, but mostly the emotional rollercoaster of the last 2 weeks due to Travis' accident. I was telling someone that I hoped next year would be a better year when I realized that last year was a very good year for me. I just forgot that in the exhaustion of the end of the year.

We were blessed with 2 beautiful babies in the Spring. A boy first and then 3 weeks later a girl. They are both healthy and growing , glowing babies. Two new lights in my life!!!! They both have terrific parents, and it is a real pleasure to watch these two young families grow.

I did the Gateway course this year, met some wonderful new friends there.

I am "doing" A Course In Miracles in a deeper way than I have before. I just love the course!

I started eating Sunrider Foods this year and I feel better than I have in years. Also met more good , positive friends through this group.

We are all healthy. Jim has been remodeling our house for a few years and it is looking really good.

Katrina and Rita passed over with no damage to our area.

Sooooo. . . as you can see, this was a good year for me. However, 2006 can still be a better year. I am open to all the blessings my life can hold!! May 2006 be a "better" year for you also.

It Happened, but he's OK!!!!

2005-12-20T12:39:00.000-06:00

Every parents' worst nightmare. We've all heard about it. . . that late night phone call. Well mine came. Two thirty in the morning on Monday, the phone rings. It is Adam (who was with Travis at the Christmas party we had all attended earlier) he was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. They had an accident. He assured me they were both alright. I asked if I could talk to Travis and was told he had a "thing" over his face, but I could hear the attendant saying "he's alright". They were going to Katy hospital. Jim and I get dressed, find directions to Katy hospital and drive there. All the way, I'm thinking of all the things I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't know how to get to the hospital, I don't know what shape they will be in, I don't know if there was more than one car involved, I just don't know!!! Well we get there and find Adam standing in his stocking feet in the emergency room. He seems fine. He doesn't know what happened. He had gone to sleep and woke up in a ball in the floor board. Travis has been taken for x-rays and we wait. Adam's family arrive. Adam has a small cut on the back of his head and bruises from the seat belt on his neck. And we wait. . . and wait. . . and wait, for what seems to be an eternity. A state trooper arrives and talks to Adam. He tells us they ran into the back of a semi truck, then flipped over and skidded about 200 to 300 feet on the top of the car. Oh God! I'm not sure knowing is better. I go back into the emergency room and he is back from x-ray and talking to the officer. My first sight of him. He looks okay too. He has dried blood on his face and his hands are badly scraped and cut, shoulders are scraped and cut, but he seems okay. There is a bad bruise on the top of his forehead and he is a little dizzy when he sits up so they do a cat scan. All tests come back normal and they proceed to clean and dress his wounds and we leave the hospital about 6:30.

We begin the calls. Family, insurance, tow company etc. When Adam finds where the car is Jim and Travis go out to get any loose items that are still there. Adam didn't have his keys, cell phone, shoes, jacket. The car is an amazing tangle of metal. It is a true miracle that two people got out of that wreck with only minor injuries!!!! Thank you God, for not taking them today!

I am an emotional wreck. My Mother lost a son in a car wreck. I'm glad it didn't happen to me.
I am so grateful for the miracle of the event and yet can't step far enough out of the fear to stop tearing up.

This mornings lesson from A Course In Miracles is "I could see peace instead of this". How's that for timing? YES I can see peace in this. I can see that "miracles are natural, when they do not occur, something has gone wrong". I can see that God means all things for good. I can see that our journey is a planned event, not a chaotic wandering. There are lessons in this for all of us, and Travis has assured me he has learned his first one, and that it will never happen again. I'm sure my lessons will continue to arrive also. For now, I am just so grateful. THANK YOU GOD!! We'll all be okay!

Resignation

2005-12-16T16:02:00.000-06:00

I am hereby tendering my resignation as General Manager Of The Universe, effective immediately. This action is long over due. I am not an effective manager, in fact most people did not even know I was the Manager. Decision making has never been one of my strong suits, so most of my duties consisted of incessant rethinking, rehashing, "if only"s (as in if only I had thought of, or done, or said that, or they would do this, or she could think of that, or he would only stop that, or they would just wake up), Second guessing, (I know, redundant!), constantly looking for clarity, and ever increasing amazement at people's choices. See, this is not a very fun job. There is no pay, no atta girl's, no vacations, no days off, no perks. Only one benefit. I was always right. (not very pretty, but there it is)

It's a wonder ANYONE would do this job. . . and YET. . . I know many others who are currently holding down this job in relative obscurity, toiling away, keeping the universe in balance so we don't go spinning off into some cold black hole. We all owe them a great debt of gratitude, and I will continue to applaud their stamina, but for myself, I QUIT!!!!! I am too old for this sort of thing. At 56, I'm pretty sure I am more than half way through my life. :) So I plan to spend the rest of it actually living it. That means when I begin to think about some past event or someone else's current situation, as I'm sure I still will, old habits die hard after all, I will remind myself that this is no longer my job. I have resigned. . . maybe retired is a better word. Yes, I have retired! Now I will endeavor to stay in the present moment in my own journey. Wish me luck in my new adventure. You'll have to take my word for this, but I really have earned it. A Course In Miracles poses the question "Would you rather be right or happy?". Well, I'm giving up right and choosing happy. EVERY TIME !!! I feel better already!

God loves you, and so do I

I'm back!!!!!

2005-11-25T09:56:00.000-06:00

Hey, I'm back. I went to Virginia to see my precious grandson and his mom and dad :) (just kidding Tiff & Shaun, I love you too). I had a wonderful week. Spent every day with Jimmy. He is growing cuter every day. He's just growing too fast for me. Can't wait to see him at Christmas.

Then I came home and Thanksgiving was upon us. We had a lovely day. Shannen did most of the cooking and she did a marvelous job. Jim smoked a turkey and it was also terrific. John has been here this week, but leaves tomorrow. Then Sun. Jane is coming to stay for a few days. I'm really looking forward to a good visit with my best friend. We do such good work together, it's a wonder the planet doesn't feel the vibarational changes. Oh wait, maybe it does!!!!

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving. I know some of you are going through difficult times right now. I also know it is hard to believe what I am going to tell you now, BUT try it on for size, it just might fit. I KNOW you will all get through these times and you will be FINE, REALLY!! Just hang in there, pay attention quicker (the price of growth is attention), and hold on tight during the turbulent parts of the ride. It really is a wonderful life (sounds like a movie) even though some of it is uncomfortable when we are going through it. Most of it is so incredibly rich and warm and wonderful. I love you all!!!

So, now I need to get ready for Christmas. There's lots to do, as always, and maybe some of it won't get done, but it'll be great anyway.

Quiz

2005-10-25T21:36:00.000-05:00

You fit in with:TaoismYour ideals mostly resemble those of the Taoist faith. Spirituality is the most important thing in your life. You strive to live by all of your ideals, and live a very intellectually focused life.20% spiritual.20% reason-oriented.
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

A little surprised, but not much. Sounds about right.

I'm changing my mind!!!

2005-10-20T17:34:00.000-05:00

I am literally "changing" my mind. This is from A Course In Miracles and is an amazing thing. I am changing my mind about everything. The Course defines a miracle as a "change in perception", and boy, am I working miracles. . . Big time!!!! This is really, really big. Wish me luck. I'll keep you posted.

Is it October ALREADY?????

2005-10-16T09:14:00.000-05:00

Well, it's certainly been an interesting month. First, Rita. The Dalai Lama was canceled, and we were heading out West for the family reunion anyway so Jim and I decided to leave on Thursday (not the best idea). After taping up windows, sandbagging doorways, gathering important papers and all the pictures I could find, and stuff for the reunion, we head out. We were taking TJ's car out of harms way so we were in two cars, and immediately got separated (he thinks it's my fault & I disagree). Much fun!!! We left before dawn and were stuck in the evacuation from hell. Five hours later, we met up in a Wal-Mart parking lot, used the bathroom, and discussed our options. Keep going or go home. We decided to keep going, thinking that it would be worse tomorrow, and we were still heading to the ranch anyway (again, not the best idea). We are leaving TJ, Brian & Shannen & Robin, Paul & Jennie & McKenna, who are either going to ride it out at home (Brian & co.) or are boarding up and securing businesses, offices and homes before leaving for the farm (TJ, Paul & co). This just feels wrong!!! The stress level was unreal. I felt claustrophobic for the first time in my life. I mean the sky is wide open and everything, but you can't move!! People had their doors and windows open and were breathing in the fumes, and the HEAT!! At one point my thermometer said 117!!! I was very lucky. I kept my ac on low, not enough to keep cool, but at least it filtered the fumes, and I didn't have any children, elderly, or animals in the car with me. I felt soooo bad for the people around me. There were babies & kids stuck in car seats, until finally parents gave up on that. One young man was in a pickup truck with a baby about a year old. What do you do with a baby in a truck for that long??? When they finally got the lanes turned around on I10 it really didn't do us any good because they opened them behind us, we were still stuck. We went 47 miles in 131/2 hours. We made San Antonio in 19 hours. We got gas (again, very blessed, we could have gone all the way to Kerrville but we just needed to stop and eat and STAND UP!!!) I was very pleased with my car. All those hours of idling, and I could run the ac, didn't over heat or run out of gas. Good job, Alford. Anyway, we took the Anderson loop around San Antonio and apparently the crowd didn't know about it cause we were the only ones who got off I10. Drove down a ways and stopped at a gas station that was not even crowded. All the way on 10, every gas station stop was either out of gas or backed up, literally, for miles. On the other side of San Antonio, it was very weird. We saw like 3 cars all the way to Kerrville. It was like "Where did everybody go?" Like in those movies, when you are the only one left on empty streets. Spent what was left of the night in Kerrville with a friend, and left TJ's car with her. Anyway, to sum up, this was a very stressful experience. Trying to make the house ready and gather up what you want or will need from your whole life, LEAVING LOVED ONES BEHIND, being stuck on the highway. It was exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally. I hope this is a once in a life time experience for me. Once will do nicely, no need to repeat this.

After that beginning, the rest of the trip was a piece of cake. We drove on to the ranch on Friday. Spent some time resting and preparing for the reunion. We had a great time. It was the first one we have had just for my parents offspring. Well, sort of, we had some kissing cousins and some friends show up too. That made it even better. There were 45 of us in all. We had a washer pitching contest, horseshoe contest, bonfire, fire spinning, tons of food and beer and good company. Jimmy was the only baby for a while, until two others showed up on Saturday and took some of the pressure off him. He handled all the attention, hugs, kisses and loving with great patience. I really think he loved it all. He's such a good baby with the sweetest disposition. And then, all too soon, it was time to say goodbye. I took Shaun, Tiff & Jimmy to El Paso to catch their flight home. It just gets harder every time.

Jim & I, Bill Edd & Judy& Curtis stayed a little longer. It was a really nice visit, and we could get things cleaned up, taken down, returned or put away etc. Then we headed home two weeks after we left. Very different trip. We stayed in Ozona and it was COLD!!! We had 2 or 3 days of fall weather. I like it. The heat seems to wear you down and then the first cool weather just refreshes you all over again.

Well I think that catches us up. We are home and Jim has started his next project. I am just trying to catch up on maintance and he is launching new remodeling projects. Our energies do not match, and that's a good thing. If we were both on my energy level, nothing would ever get done. Sorry I rambled on so, but there was a lot to vent. :)

The Dalai Lama & reunion

2005-09-18T08:19:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my daughter-in-law, Shannen (who "rocks the internet") we are going to see the Dalai Lama on Thursday. I am very excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will tell you all about it.

And on Friday, Jim and I are leaving for my sister's ranch to get ready for the family reunion. Yes there is another family reunion. This one is just my parents children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren. Yes, there are great-great-grandchildren. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone. All my kids are coming, which means I get to see the ones who live far away one more time this year. Yeah!!!! It's like Christmas in Sept. only with all the extra relatives thrown in as a bonus. Anyway, I'll catch up with you again in October.

Why we do what we do!!!!

2005-09-18T08:10:00.000-05:00

"The children of God are entitled to the perfect comfort that comes from perfect trust. Until they achieve this, they waste themselves and their true creative powers on useless attempts to make themselves more comfortable by innappropriate means."

This is from a small box of cards I have with quotes from A Course In Miracles. I pulled the card three days ago and have been reading and meditating on it since then. It explains alot about us and our strange, confounding behaviors. I am striving to reach that "perfect trust".
Could use any company I can find.

Why?

2005-09-02T09:09:00.000-05:00

My heart is hurting for a young couple that lost their dream. I don't know them very well, but I know the hopes and excitement they were feeling (I've been there) and I know the expectations they were holding (again, been there). I do not know the pain and heartache they are having now that their dreams are dashed in this awful way. My heart and my prayers go out to them in this painful time. God be with them in their hour of darkness.

JENNY'S FINE!!!!!!!!

2005-08-30T08:17:00.000-05:00

Jenny (my daughter-in-law) had an angiogram yesterday for an AVN (abnormal vein in her brain). Her results were perfect. The doctor told her to go and live her life as if this had never happened, there was nothing abnormal in her brain. THANK GOD!!!!

This has been an anxious couple of weeks. It started the night I came home from Virginia and concluded yesterday. There are lots more details about the events, but the important thing is that this young family is having a difficult time right now and we are all glad they are here, where we can love and support them and just be there for them. They are also glad they moved back to Houston before all this came about. There have been so many synchronicities occur during this time. I continue to marvel at God's Ways.

And speaking of God's Way, I spoiled Jimmy the whole time I was in Virginia, just like God wants Grandma's to do. :) Oma and Jimmy had many precious hours together and I treasure every one of them. The only trouble with babies is they grow so fast. I see McKenna every week and I swear she grows more every time I see her. Anyway, I had a lovely visit in Virginia with Jimmy (and his Mom and Dad also). Can't wait til the end of Sept. when we will all be together again.

TRAVEL

2005-07-26T08:29:00.000-05:00

Yeah!!!! I am so excited. I will be in Virginia in two days. I can't wait to see everyone, but of course, especially Jimmie. He is growing so fast, and I am missing sooooo much. Our time together is very precious to me. I can hardly wait to hold him and squeeze him and listen to his cooing and see his little smiles. Yeah!!!!

Family reunions

2005-07-19T07:46:00.000-05:00

We just went to my family reunion this week end. We had a really good time. This is my fathers' side of the family, and it is held in Barksdale, Tx. That's between Uvalde and Rocksprings on the Nueces River (if you want to look it up Ha!) Jim and I went down Friday and TJ came down Saturday. My brother and sister and I were all there at the same time for the first time ever. It was sooo much fun. We took my sister's 3 year old granddaughter swimming in the river, she is the cutest thing. It was fun to try and figure out which young people went with which older relatives.

This has turned out to be a summer of family fun. Last month my kids all came home on Father's Day weekend (it was a surprise for me, go figure). It was like Christmas in June, then the family reunion in Barksdale, next week I am going to Virginia to see Tiff, Shaun & JIMMIE, and in Sept. we are having another family reunion of my Mother's children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren & great-great grandchildren at my sister's ranch. I am having such a good time. !

And last night, we got to babysit for McKenna. She is so precious. She grows bigger everytime I see her.

Well, I think that catches me up on whats been happening around here. Life is sooooo good!

SHE'S HERE !!!!!!!

2005-07-01T21:23:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the world, baby girl.

I have been very remiss in posting about my second grandchild born in the month of May. Can you imagine? First two grandbabies born 3 weeks apart? I have been very busy, so please forgive the time lapse.

ANYWAY-----McKenna Sky Franco was born May 23. She is the daughter of my son and daughter-in-law (Paul & Jenny). She was 7 pounds 10 ounces and 19 inches long. She had a pretty hard time getting born and was sporting bruises for a few days. Her mom ran a fever through out her labor, but she was a real trooper, and never lost her beautiful smile. She is one tough lady. McKenna is the most precious thing-Really. She has beautiful big eyes and lots of light brown hair. I am a VERY lucky woman, and I am most grateful for all the blessings we have received, TWO perfect babies and TWO healty moms.

And---I have decided on my new name. Oma. I think it's german for grandmother and literally translates into "old mother", which I like. It's also short and easy for toddlers to say.

WHERE WAS I?

2005-05-21T10:25:00.000-05:00

I was in Virginia as my last post stated. However, after that post the computer I had with me would not let me post again. I tried several times to no avail, so let me catch you up. . . . Tiffanie and Shaun are the proud parents of a wonderful baby boy named after "both" his grandfathers (how fun is that?) We call him Jimmy and he is the cutest thing I ever laid eyes on (not counting all other babies). He is such a calm little fellow. He hardly cries, except for bath time and diaper changes. He's not much into hygiene. I have pictures, but I don't know how to post them here, so if you want to see them you gotta come over to my house or meet me for lunch or something.
I am soooooo grateful for all our many, many blessings around this major life event. Both he and his mommy are healthy, all four grandparents got to be there and hold him just after he was born, and did I mention he's just the best baby ever?

Leaving them was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but unavoidable in the situation. I couldn't help but think of all the families in by gone days who would have to say goodbye to a loved one and truly have little hope of seeing them again. Just letters to keep in touch for the rest of their lives. We live in a wonderful time with phones, e-mails, instant pictures to help us stay in touch with those who live far away. I am verrrrrrry grateful. This is the best of times!

We are home and trying to get things caught up here. Jim had started another remodeling project while I was gone so things are in a pretty big mess around here, but it will be so nice
when it's all done. I better go and get the bills paid before they turn off the elec....
(Just kidding)

It's a BOY!!!!!!!!!!

2005-04-01T09:02:00.002-06:00

He is so beautiful. His name is James Stewart Moore Ridout (he is the first grandbaby on both sides of his family and he is named after both of his grandfathers) He was born on May 4, 2005 and weighted 6 pounds 13 ounces and is 191/2 inches tall. Did I mention how beautiful he is? His mom and dad are both doing fine and did a wonderful job of bringing him into the world.
All four grandparents, one great grandmother and all his aunts and uncles are excited beyond words.
WELCOME TO THE WORLD JIMMY!!!!!!
Grandma Loves you.

April

2005-04-01T09:02:00.001-06:00

I am in Richmond,Virginia in April again. Last year we were here for Tiff's retirement from a performing career when we got the news of my mother's death. Two endings.
This year I am here to help Tiff and Shaun as they prepare to become first time parents. A beginning! It just seems so complete. I like the symetry of life. It's one of the nice things about getting older. . . seeing the patterns and symetries.

we're Here

2005-04-01T09:02:00.000-06:00

We are in Virginia, after a good drive. We were making great time until we got to North Carolina. That state held us hostage for a couple of hours, but we escaped and finally made it across the border to good old Virginia. Tiff is beautiful!!!! Really!! Of course she doesn't think so but we do. Shaun looks good (no worse for having a hormonal wife) and the dogs are pretty too. Will keep you updated....

OOOOOOOPS!!!!!!

2005-03-29T22:57:00.000-06:00

But I repeat myself. (it said it didn't publish the first one, and now this is the second one of these) Anyway, sorry for the rerun.

OOOOOPS!!!!!!

2005-03-29T15:41:00.000-06:00

WELL!!!! It said it didn't publish the first time so I redid it. Please excuse repeat.

Where IS my power?

2005-03-29T14:24:00.000-06:00

So I've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks since Jerry mentioned it in class for A Course In Miracles. Caroline Myss says that we breath power into our ideas and beliefs. So I have been thinking about ideas I have breathed my power into that no longer serve my highest good. Such as: "Life is hard", "There isn't enough. . . .", "Hard work is the only productive use of my time", "We all have to get frail and whither into death", "I'm right". I am working on withdrawing my power from them and breathing it into ideas that better fit who I am now.

So what do you think? Please let me hear from you. Have you breathed your power into ideas that no longer serve you? Feel like sharing some of them with us?

Where IS my power?

2005-03-29T14:11:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks since Jerry mentioned it in the A Course In Miracles class, so here goes. Caroline Myss says that we breath power into our ideas and beliefs. Hmmmmm! So I have been examining what ideas and beliefs I have breathed my power into, and it's pretty interesting. Some of them really no longer serve my highest good and I am withdrawing my power from them. Such as: "Life is hard", "There isn't enough . . .", "We all get old and frail and whither into death", "I'm right", "Hard work is the only productive use of my time", etc. etc. etc.
So, what do you think? Let me know. Have left your power in ideas that no longer serve you? Please share.

Happy Easter

2005-03-27T08:46:00.000-06:00

Wow, I've been gone a long time. I was not sick with the flu that whole time (obviously) couldn't get back to blogging, but now I'm baaaack.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!! I love Easter. I love the Spring. And I really love this Spring.
Rebirth, new life, it's all going on around and in me. Most exciting news is the next generation is starting in May. Two babies are coming, my daughter Tiffanie and son-in-law Shaun and my son Paul and daughter-in-law Jennie are both having babies in May. How's that for a great Spring? I can't wait to hold these precious newbies. I am going to Virginia this week to stay with Tiff and Shaun until after the baby comes. This is sooooo exciting. Then when I get home I'm sure McKenna (Paul & Jennie's) will already be here. BABIES!!! Yeah!!!!! Babies are God's way of reminding us that "God's in his heaven and all's right with the world". I just love babies!!!!
Anyway, HAPPY EASTER!!! HAPPY SPRING!!!

Oh No!!!

2005-02-17T21:47:00.000-06:00

We're home from San Antonio. Had a lovely visit with my sister & brother-in-law. Did the Riverwalk, ate at Boudro's & Morton's, Yum!!

However, Husband came down with the flu and I am succumbing as I type. So all those who live in town, stay away, this one is bad! Jim has a Dr.'s appt. tomorrow, and I am already taking homeopathic meds to try and head it off at the pass. We'll be fine in a few days, until then we have TJ to run errands etc. See you when we feel better.
Til then,
Love and Light

Happy Birthday to me

2005-02-12T08:39:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is my 56th birthday. Yeah!!! We are leaving today to drive over to San Antonio to meet my sister and brother-in-law and celebrate our (sister & me) birthdays. I am looking forward to it. So I will post when I get back.
See ya later.

Thanksgiving

2005-02-10T03:49:00.000-06:00

Yes, I know there is a k in thanksgiving. It's 3:50 A.M. so please excuse typos.

Happy Birthday, Mom

2005-02-10T02:59:00.000-06:00

Today is my mother's birthday.
She would have been 81. She died in April, and this is the first year of my life without her on the planet with me. That dreaded year of firsts, first Thansgiving, first Christmas, first Birthday.
Her birthday is Feb. 10, mine is Feb. 13, and my sister's is Feb. 16, so we celebrated our birthdays together, especially for the last several years. Last year was her 80th and we were all there. It was our last good day together. I think she had other good days, but I wasn't there. I've had a difficult week. This morning I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I looked at the clock and it was 2:22. Doreen Virtue, a woman who talks to the angels says when that happens it is often the angels. Is that you, Mom? Well. . .HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Sunday we are going to San Antonio to spend a few days with Carrol Ann and Bill to celebrate our birthdays. We'll miss you Mom, it won't be the same without you, but I know you'll be with us in spirit. I love you. I miss you. I think of you often, especially when I see anything pink. Tiff's baby is coming soon and I know you'll be there for that. You never missed a birth.

Yesterday

2005-02-02T10:08:00.000-06:00

We had such a lovely day yesterday. Becky came over with her 2 boys, Max who is 2 and Ben who is 2 months. They spent the day with us and it was so much fun. We didn't do anything but enjoy them, all three of them. It was so nice to see this young woman, who was in my home so many times as she was growing up, being a terrific mother to her boys. Then Paul, another young person who we watched grow up, and is expecting their first child in May, came over and Becky offered him the chance to bathe Ben. He did a fine job (I even have pictures), but was incredibly nervous. Weren't we all the first time?
Anyway, the whole day was so nice and I realized it is the kind of day I will miss with Tiffanie and Shaun and their baby. That's just one of the prices we pay when we give our children wings to fly. We will be fine and we will find ways of being close to their family as they grow, but it just won't be as simple as yesterday.

Real or Reel Life

2005-02-02T01:24:00.000-06:00

I'm baaack.
So I was over visiting Emily's blog and she was talking about Cinderella, Snow White, etc. and it got me thinking about these stories' messages. They are so unrealistic and one dimensional. They really set us up for a fall. In fact, alot of Hollywood stories set us up for a fall. Do you really believe multi-millionares pick up street prostitutes and then fall in love? Do you think your spouse will never say or do anything that hurts your feelings? Do you think your children will never mess up or make mistakes or embarass you? The kids on television never did. The Brady's never had a real argue til the sun's coming up evening. Yes, life would be less messy if it had a good sound track and great script writers. But life is messy. People do make mistakes. Life is about testing your capacities. Like your capacity to forgive, your capacity for joy, your capacity for love, your capacity for honesty, your capacity for understanding, your capacity for growth, etc. etc. etc. AND THAT'S WHAT KEEPS IT INTERESTING!!!!!!!!

Thank you

2005-01-25T22:23:00.000-06:00

I have been very remiss. I owe a big thank you to Emily for coming over here and helping me make my blog purple. She spent 2 hours on her day off helping me. What a gal!!!

THANK YOU EMILY, YOUR THE BEST. And I love the color purple (another movie title).

Excerpt

2005-01-25T10:53:00.000-06:00

Well, I actually started my life story. This is an excerpt, I was two or three and obviously not very sensitive to animals, I am much nicer to them now. (possibly trying to make amends for earlier transgressions, and I haven't even told you about the cat yet)

We leased a ranch and stocked it with sheep and goats. In the spring there are always a few mothers who won’t or can’t feed their babies so it’s up to the humans to feed them. In that time we used empty soda pop bottles with rubber nipples that slipped over the rim. The trouble with this method is that the animal’s natural instinct is to “hunch” it’s mother to encourage more milk. Unfortunately, when the rubber nipple is “hunched” it comes off the bottle and the milk spills all over your feet. I am told (I don’t actually remember this myself) that “my” kid had crooked horns because I would hit him over the head with the bottle every time this happened. Apparently I was trying behavior modification at an early age.

So what do you think? Too honest?

Influence

2005-01-23T17:33:00.000-06:00

Have you ever wondered what influence you have on other people?

Last month during the holidays I was lucky enough to have a young woman tell me that I had once had a large impact in her life and on who she is today. Let me say she is a lovely young woman, a wife and mother, and the thought that I could have had anything to do with it had never even occured to me. A year or so ago her younger brother had told my son something along the same lines, so let me explain. Some years ago their family was going through a difficult time, the kind most of us have at one time or another. I talked to the children, reassuring them and I took the brother for some ice cream (yes, as a Mom I still equate love and food). Anyway,( my point is and I do have one-Ellen DeGeneres) that I had totally forgotten what part I played in this scenario, but they hadn't. I was so grateful to be told what my small kindnesses meant to them. How often do we actually get that kind of feedback? How often do we give that kind of feedback? Do the people who have had a big impact on your life have any idea how important what they did or said was to you? If not, I urge you to tell them the next time you see them. It will mean a great deal to them. Trust me.

The title

2005-01-20T14:46:00.000-06:00

So, just for fun, does anyone know what the title of my blog refers to? Just curious. Please let me know.

The psychic said

2005-01-18T09:57:00.000-06:00

Well it was a fun evening. The psychics name is Kim O'neill and she has a web page. www. Kimoneillpsychic.com if you are interested in that sort of thing. Anyway, she gave some of her predictions for the year. Nothing too shocking or surprising. Mostly upbeat. Then she drew names out of a basket and answered one question per person. Well I couldn't really settle on a question, everytime someone else asked a question, I thought "I could ask about that too". Then as the evening wore on and it was running really late, I figured my name wasn't going to be drawn so I didn't even think about it anymore. Then at 10:40 the last name drawn was mine. I was so flustered I couldn't really choose a question, so I said "I quess I want to know what my life's work is". And she answered right away "writing, your first book is to be non fiction, your memoirs, your life story up until now". Martha just burst out laughing. She has been telling me this for several months. Kim also said Martha and I "channel" for each other, and I think that we have been doing just that. BUT WRITING!!! I can't possibly tell you how much resistance I have to this idea. So I'm just trying to be open to the idea, but mostly I am noticing how much resistance I DO have to this. I mean, I'm not that interesting a person, and my life has not been that interesting either. (See what I mean about resistance?)

I will manage to overcome this resistance, as I recognize it as the voice in my head I call the "critic", "naysayer", or "doubting Thomas" among other things. Does everyone have that voice? I think most of us do, but I don't know it for a fact. I mean do you think Donald Trump has it? Anyway, it also occured to me that I may need to write it just for my family's history, not for publication. I quess that would be less scary. Part of the scariness is about really reviewing my whole life. I mean, do I really want to go there? Part of me does. I once spent 4 days in a monastery because I just wanted to sit under a tree and look at my life to see what were the patterns or lessons I was working on, to sort of make sense of it all. The part of me that did that wants to do it again. But there is also another part, maybe the critic, that says "No way". Anyway, I don't think I will put the whole thing on my blog, maybe just some of the more interesting stories. We'll see.

Help?

2005-01-15T16:05:00.000-06:00

Does anyone know how I can change the color of the template on my blog? I would like the color purple (sounds like a movie), but don't know how to get it done. I suspect my friend Emily has some answers here, as she has changed her blog several times.

So here's a question. What is your biggest fault? Mine is procrastination. I mean I am a serious procrastinator, and everyone who knows me will testify to same. I am especially bad if it is something I don't really want to do, like clean or take down the Christmas tree. So of course you know my tree is still up, but it's days are numbered. I wanted it down today but maybe tomorrow.

I'm going out to dinner with a friend and then we are going to a workshop called "an evening of channeling" by a psychic, with her predictions for the new year. I'll let you know if she says anything interesting. I've only gone to a couple of these kinds of things in my whole life but I find them sort of interesting, and this one seemed like a good idea. . . . we'll see.